When I look at my 4 year old daughter I see a little me. Not an exact copy, but close enough that I can imagine being her, remember myself as little girl. She is precious and she is perfect and she is beautiful, just because she is her. She is too young to think she is anything but beautiful. I tell her she is beautiful, and funny, and smart, and precious. I wonder if I ever felt those things about myself? I wonder if someone stopped telling me - or if they ever did? I have no memory of being complimented, or praised.

Maybe it was my mother, who was never told those things by her mother, that didn't know to tell me? Maybe it was my father leaving when I was 10 that made me think I wasn't special, that made me decide I wasn't beautiful? Maybe it was growing up with images of beauty on TV and in magazines that didn't look like me. I remember feeling confused in my early teens. I had an idea that I might be pretty, but no-one ever told me that I was, so I decided I must have been wrong. And it's a feeling that has endured. Even now, I think I might look nice, and then make a list in my head of all the reasons I am wrong. Someone may compliment how I look, and I very quickly decide it's not true.

What I do remember, was my mother talking about how fat she was. I remember that a lot. I remember her soup diets, her exercise books and videos, and her constantly putting herself down. I don't remember her ever telling me I was fat, but I learned how bad being fat was, and how you can't be pretty, or good, or ok, if you're fat.

I want to feel ok being me, just as I am, I feel like that's something I ought to feel, but I don't. I think it's because I am overweight that I don't, at least that's what I've always told myself. Yet, even though being overweight makes me unhappy, and even though I want to not be this way, I continue making choices that continue making me fat. So I conclude, that there is in fact something wrong with me, or bad about me, for me to behave this way. I'm beginning to think I don't need a diet as much as I need to figure out how to love myself just because I am me. How does one do that?

the perfect time to start

Yesterday was Thursday, the perfect time to start a detox. Not the beginning of the week/month/year, not my birthday, not even a warm sunny day, just a random cold, wintery Thursday. I've obviously been thinking about it for weeks months, and on Wednesday I realised I have to start immediately. I weighed myself for the first time in a couple of months. I knew I'd put on weight because my clothes are tight, but the number I saw on the scale gave me a big surprise and not in a good way. Between October 2011 and March 2012 I lost 16 kg. Between March 2012 and July 4 2012 I have regained 8 of those kgs! I know one thing for sure, whilst I may struggle to take off weight I am very good at gaining it.

So, my day began at at leisurely 9am with a large glass of hot water with the juice of half a lemon and 1 tsp of apple cider vinegar. I also took 2 x 5HTP capsules (a serotonin booster I take for my depression as a natural alternative to anti-depressants), 1 x garlic and echenacea tablet (for allergy/hayfever relief), 1 x probiotic (healthy bacteria to improve my digestive health) and 1 x omega 3 fish oil capsule (also to assist with my depression).

About 45 mins later I had my breakfast: a greeen smoothie containing 2 large handfuls of spinach, 1 tsp barley grass powder, 1/2 tsp vitamin C powder, 1/2 tsp spiralina, 1 large banana, 2 drops of steevia sweetener. I made all this in my new blender which has a gutsy 1000w motor and unlike my $20 Trade Me blender doesn't leak!

By late morning I was feeling pretty grumpy with strong cravings for sugary coffee and bread, low mood, tiredness and annoyance at not being 'allowed' to eat what I want. Thankfully I was 'rescued' from myself by a wonderful friend, taken to the mall, and treated to a delicious salad from Tank. The salad really was very yummy and I felt good about eating it, but that's not to say I didn't wish I could have some of the sushi my daughter was having.

I have a job interview on Tuesday, a job that is so awesome, a job I really want. Along with battling my negative thoughts about why I'm not going to be good enough, I don't have anything suitable to wear. I got rid of all my clothes that were too big, and now I'm too big for the ones I have. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, so heavy, lethargic, achy, and yuck! I couldn't bring myself to look for clothes at the mall, I didn't have the physical or emotional energy for it.

It's not fair! That's how I feel. It's not fair that I can't just put whatever I want in my mouth and be healthy and not put on weight. I don't even mean that I want to eat chocolate at every meal, or maybe I do. I want to eat cheese, and bread, and pasta and sugary coffee and icecream and potato chips and not be fat! I realise 'it's not fair' is not a mature way to think.

I made it through the afternoon by sleeping from 3.30-7.00. When I awoke I had another green smoothie, and a while later an apple and a small handful of grapes. Phew, I made it through day 1!

Dumb dog!

You might be familiar with the 'black dog'? You might have heard of him, met him, even had him come to stay? In the last three months the black dog has been my almost constant companion. Some days he just sits in the corner and catches my eye every once and a while, some days he runs in circles around my feet, and other days I piggy-back him around with me every step I take. I'm NOT an animal person!! I don't like feeling this way. Ashamed, sad, lonely, irritable, confused, negative, self loathing... depressed. It's all there, in my head, these horrible conversations I have with myself, telling myself what a failure I am. Negative thoughts suck. The REAL me is happy, optimistic, hopeful, cheerful, exctied, friendly, inspired and loving.

May 17 came and went, then June 17... no detox, no healthier eating, no return to health, no amazing transformation.

My challenges

• to stop setting ridiculous expectations that are virtually impossible to meet
• to stop comparing myself to others and trust that they are not judging me
• to believe that I am good enough, worthy and capable of success
• to get rid of this damn dog!

Remembering Dorothy

When it finally came time for Dorothy to go home she found that the ability to do so had been with her the whole time, the power was with her. Long before Oprah, there was the ah-ha moment, and like Dorothy, I have just had one.

I just reminded myself of something, and I did it by re-reading my blog. In January I started a new chapter of my lifes journey. I detoxed and started eating only real food, I was exercising most days, and I felt so good. I had forgotten. In the 7 weeks since returning from our honeymoon I have slipped down a deep dark hole and become so disconnected from me. I have felt hopeless, sad, irritated, tired... the list goes on. What happened in Rarotonga was the catalyst, the trigger, but not the entire reason. I've been depressed before, in fact that's half the problem. I tell myself I 'should know better'. But, that's the thing with depression, the gap between what I know and how I feel.

I had a great chat to someone I barely know tonight. We talked about depression and diet and detoxing and eating real food. I gave her some advice, and in doing so, I gave myself some advice. My advice to me is to do what has worked before. I am now in pre-detox mode and soon, maybe starting on May 17, I will do a full detox and heal my body and mind and heart through nutrition, with side servings of exercise and therapy. Because it all starts and ends with me, it always has.

the mess in my head

The mess in my head only seems to grow. Every once and a while I feel as though maybe the cloud is lifting, that I'm starting to feel a bit happy, that the worst is behind me. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel hopeless, worthless, useless and worse. Days when I feel so trapped by my life, my not even nearly bad life that I should be ever so grateful for. Days when I wonder just what it is that others see in me and feeling like their confidence in me is a burden rather than a blessing. Days when I think that if everyone just stopped needing me and engaging with me and liking me that it'd be much easier. Is this self pity? I sure know I haven't the 'right' to feel bad or sad, I have every reason to feel blessed and happy, but I don't. I should, and I don't, I'm clear about that.

My new job is not helping my confidence. It has been three weeks since I started. I doubt myself consistently and relentlessly and it's all I can do not to just pack up my stuff and leave. My boss is very nice, very supportive, and very busy. I'm just not convinced I'll ever be any good at this job. I have made a couple of small sales, but not because of anything I've done. I've made a lot of phone calls, had a lot of no's and maybe's and as much as everyone keeps drumming into me that I can't take it personally, I do. It's not that I feel I'm being rejected. It's that I don't feel I'm doing the job well enough. I don't feel confident in my ability to sell. I'm supposed to turn no's into maybe's and maybe's into yes'. That's what I'm being paid for. I feel like I'm going to let my boss down. I know it's not a job I'd like to do long term, not based on how it has been so far, but I also know I'm lucky to be given the opportunity with no experience, and it's not like I have other options...

My ten year old son sits next to me as I write this and asks if I like my new job. I said, not really, I'm not sure I'm any good at it. He said, have you heard anyone say that? I said no, but I have to sell ads and I haven't sold many so I don't think I'm any good. If they say no Mum, he said, it's not because of you. Don't take it personally. You're a wise kid, I told him. It's because I don't want you to feel bad Mum. I want you to feel happy. I guess he can see the tears streaming down my face. He doesn't question me about it, but he notices.

I tuck him into bed and he asks, have you had a good day Mum? It's been ok, I'm just tired, I say. Why are you tired Mum? Because it's been a long day, I say. I don't want him to have a sad Mum. He deserves a happy Mum; all my kids do, and my husband a happy wife.

I wish I was.

justice

I received an email this afternoon.

"Please be advised that police investigation into your complaint is now completed.   
The person responsible in this matter is  a 28 year old male person, Unemployed, and resides at Titikaveka and he is known to the police.  With regards to your case, the male person has been charged for Entering with Intent to Commit a crime and secondly for assault on a female.  The penalty for entering with intent carries a maximum penalty of 5 years imprisonment and for assault, 2 years imprisonment.
Further charges have also been laid against this male person for other offences committed by him around Titikaveka area.
The offender is still in custody and case adjourned to the 03/5/12 for call over."

I am very relieved that my case was indeed taken seriously, and that he is in custody and unable to harm anyone else. I feel this knowledge will help me move forward.

One month on

It has been a month now since Rarotonga, and in some ways it feels distant, but at other times it is like it just happened minutes ago. I am full of conflicting thoughts about how I should be coping, how I should be thinking, what I should be doing. Mostly, I just feel sad, with a dose of anxious, some anger, and a general lack of enthusiasm for anything.
One thing I'm anxious about is knowing what happened to the man who did this. It has been extremely frustrating not to have had any answers from the Cook Islands police. It makes me doubt myself, that they don't think what happened is worth their time, that worse things happen. I have been told 'it could have been worse' and of course I have thought that myself. Thing is, all that makes me think is that my feelings aren't valid. I certainly know people who have endured much worse, maybe I am making myself a victim, maybe I am stopping myself from moving forward. I don't feel like that is true, but I doubt myself.
I want to escape from my thoughts. I understand why people take drugs or drink, to stop thinking. I've thought lots about getting drunk, I think about it every day, but I do know that won't help. Sleep seems the obvious solution, because then I don't have to think, or engage. But when I lay down, or even close my eyes, I become anxious and my thoughts of what happened accelerate.
I used to be someone who said things like "everything happens for a reason" and "we are not dealt anything in life we can't handle" Those words seem particularly cruel right now.