an early morning epiphany

I just went for an awesome hilly 6km walk/jog (55 mins) and came from with a really strong urge to write a message to Laurinda, the leader of my Fun n Fitness Group.  After writing it I started crying, and upon re-reading it I realise the hugeness of what has happened.  This is what I wrote:


Good morning Laurinda
I want to say thanks for your cheerleading at Tuesday's fitness session. I might not respond, (I might not be ABLE to), but I hear you every time you encourage me and I need you to know it makes a HUGE difference to me. Previously when you or anyone told me I was doing well, in pretty much any given circumstance, I would immediately negate it either in my head or to them, as I was so entrenched in my negative self beliefs. All my adult life I have not been able to accept praise, because as a child I was not praised. I didn't have an abusive childhood at all, but praise just wasn't something I received. It is only really in the last few weeks that I have begun to open myself up to praise and accept that when people say something nice they are telling the truth. So, please do keep cheering me on, I need it.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Sara xx

This is SO big for me, and SO exciting.  It's ironic that something I so craved was something I just WOULDN'T accept - praise.  Eight years ago I did a team building weekend through Playcentre and there was one exercise we did that destroyed me, it ruined the weekend for me.  There were about 15 of us, all women, all mums, no-one I knew very well but all fabulous women who were leaders within Playcentre.  The activity required us to sit in a large circle and a chair was placed in the middle.  One by one we were to sit in that chair while each person in the circle said something positive about the person in the middle, some praise.  I thought I was going to throw up.  The idea of sitting in the middle of a group and them being required to say something good about me was horrific.  Why?  Because they wouldn't be able to think of anything, and so would either have to make something up or just not say something, leaving me humiliated.  As my turn approached I became more and more anxious, I felt nauseous, I was fighting back the tears, and desperately thinking of any way I could get out of this situation.  All I wanted was to get the hell out of there.  When my turn came I stood up, walked over to the seat, sat down and (I remember this clear as day) said "you can say what you like, I'm not listening".

And that is how it has been for me, I have done some really cool things in my life and done them well, but still the overwhelming voice in my head has insisted that if only people knew me properly they'd think differently, and that I do not DESERVE praise.

Turns out, I DO!  I'm actually a really fantastic person, I enhance a lot of people's lives through my actions and my relationships, and when it comes down to it I'm bloody proud of who I am.  This is a very new feeling for me, and it is so freeing.  I don't have to be perfect to deserve praise, I already am perfect, in all my imperfections.

I am perfectly imperfect!!!

Grumpy Mummy

I was told to expect mood swings, and today (day 5) they caught up with me.  I just feel grumpy and irritable and want to be left alone, but I have three kids who want attention and meals and activities.  I snapped at them today lots of times, and I feel bad about that.  Thankfully children are very forgiving and tomorrow I'll make an effort to keep my cool.  AND tomorrow I go to try my wedding dress on!!  I have had a few dramas with the bridal store which I won't go into now, but I am very excited to try on my dress.  I had it made one size smaller than my measurements last October and I know I've dropped a size since then so it should fit me.  My mum and best friend/bridesmaid are coming with me too - yay!!  I won't post a pic of course but it is so beautiful and I hope I feel beautiful in it.

My eating went well today, still sticking to my green smoothies plus whatever fruits and veges I feel like, which today was celery, tomatoes, plums (from our backyard) and watermellon, and now that I think about it that's about it!  My appetite has deminished significantly which is fantastic, and I am so surprised not to be craving sugar as it was such a big part of my diet.  I guess the plums and watermellon contain sugar so I have been getting my fix, just in a much healthier way than my usual sugary coffees and chocolate feasts.  I'm trying not to analyse my food too much because I don't want to sabotage myself with self doubt, but I am not sure if I am getting enough of all I need nutritionally.  I feel good, perhaps that should be my guide?

Food that goes crunch!

Today I did something I haven't done in a few days, I ate solid food!  It started when I dropped Miss J at preschool and stayed for morning tea time.  The crackers were easy to resist, the cheese was a challenge (I'm really craving cheese), but I decided watermellon was a-ok and so I had a couple of yummy pieces.  My fast 'broken' I decided that three days of liquid greens only was enough and I would have a salad for lunch.  It was so YUM!  Mountains of alfalfa, 1/2 an avocado, carrot, cucumber, 1/2 a boiled egg and a tiny drizzle of balsamic vinegar (which I now know is a detox no-no as the grapes from which it is made are a very heavily sprayed crop).  The egg was probably a bit naughty too, but as far as food treats go it's a much better choice than some of my past indulgences.

I decided such an important meal deserved to be savoured, so I set myself up on the deck with my brand new Bride & Groom mag and took some time for me!

I also had my first group training session of the year with Laurinda.  I gave it my all for 30 intense minutes of skipping, push-ups, burpees, step-ups and squats which didn't leave me much left for the mercifully brief abdominal exercises, and after another 5 mins of stretching my 45 mins was up!  I can honestly say that as much as it exhausted me at the time, it felt really good to be pushing myself, and I loved being back with our awesome training group!

Emotionally I'm feeling good, I'm enjoying the positive feedback and support that my friends are offering me, and I feel proud of myself.  I have my moments for sure, but overall I feel happy.  Yesterday I was complimented by my friend's ten year old son who told me he was really shocked at how good I was looking, which was lovely.  Not having scales I don't monitor my weight very closely, but I can tell by my clothing that I'm losing weight and I plan for that trend to continue!!

Day 3 almost done

I woke up this morning feeling really good.  My head felt clear, my limbs felt lighter, and my spirits were high.  I went for a half hour fast walk, down the road to check out an organic vege stall, and arrived home quite out of breath.  My morning smoothie was spinach, parsley, kelp powder, banana and water, and went down easily. 

As the day has progressed I have become increasingly more tired and hungry.  My mentors tell me it's not 'real' hunger as my smoothies are giving my body the nutrients I need, not to mention the energy stores I have in the form of fat, but it sure feels real!!  I have a gnawing, churning feeling in my tummy, I feel mildly nauseous, and I reeeeeaaaaly want to eat something!

Watching the kids eat is a challenge, especially the smell of their pizza dinner.  It's not really pizza I'm craving though, I'd be thrilled to tuck in to a massive salad, and lashings of balsamic dressing.

Emotionally I'm feeling pretty flat right now, something I was told to expect.  I think I'll go ahead and eat tomorrow, I'll see how I feel in the morning.

Gotta go GREENER!

I had a chat to my mentors last night and it turns out yesterday I had too much fruit in my smoothies - I guess that accounts for how yummy they were!  So today my smoothie was silverbeet, mesclun, kelp powder and a banana.  It smelt like freshly cut grass, and tasted about the same, but it wasn't actually bad.  I want the results, so I have to trust the process, and my spirits are still sky high! 

I'm surprised at how alert I feel, considering I have for so long relied on coffee (& sugar) throughout the day.  I'm drinking hot water & lemon instead and it's suiting me fine.  It just goes to show how much the challenge is really a psychological one!

I'm alive, alert, awake... ENTHUSIASTIC!

What a great way to start the day - a 40 min stair-filled bush walk with a group of enthusiastic, supportive, inspirational women!!  I'm not gonna lie, it was tough going, and the urge to vomit was intense, but I made it out the other side and feel so good about myself as a result.

Today is DAY ONE of my juice fast detox, so upon arriving home I made myself my first ever Green Smoothie.  Actually, that's not true, I made a practice one last week, and I'm sure the chickens enjoyed it very much because it was revolting!!  My mistake was too much sour green stuff and not enough fruit to mask it.  This morning, however, was a different story, so much so that even Mr K (my fiance), Master R (10) and Miss J (3) all enjoyed some.  Master T (5) wouldn't touch it, which is no surprise as he's a super picky eater.  Master R even said he'd be happy to drink these smoothies for breakfast and an after school snack, which is great because that's my intention.  Master T's going to take some serious work to get him on board, but that's a challenge for later.

So, just what went in to my smoothie this morning you may ask?

1 punnet of blueberries, 1 pear, 1 banana, 1/2 a bunch of silverbeet,

1 tsp Kelp Powder, & 1 cup water

Blended all together in my fabulous new (Trade Me) blender:



And the final result:

(no, I didn't eat the flowers too, I just like things to look pretty)

The blueberry seeds made the texture a bit gritty but not unpleasant, and the flavour was really quite yummy!  It satisfied me well, in fact I only drank 2/3 of it at the time (about 9.15) and then the rest about an hour later.  It's now 11.30 and I feel a bit hungry.  If I wasn't sticking to juice only I'd have a piece of fruit, but instead I'm going to have a big glass of water with lemon and give myself another half hour or so before I make smoothie #2.  I'm not entirely sure how many/often I should be having my smoothies, so I'm going to do my best to let hunger be my guide.

I've gotta say, I feel really pleased with myself just about now!

"And now," cried Max, "let the wild rumpus start!"

After putting it off for weeks, months, waiting for the time to be right, I'm starting tomorrow.  The time is not right, because the time is never right.  Because I will ALWAYS find a reason to put it off, no matter what "it" is.  So, tomorrow IS the day. 

I (indirectly) got some very simple advice today, stupidly simple, and simply true.  Nike said 'Just Do It' and they're right.  JUST START.  So I will.  I'm probably not well enough prepared but that's no longer a good enough reason excuse.