the mess in my head

The mess in my head only seems to grow. Every once and a while I feel as though maybe the cloud is lifting, that I'm starting to feel a bit happy, that the worst is behind me. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel hopeless, worthless, useless and worse. Days when I feel so trapped by my life, my not even nearly bad life that I should be ever so grateful for. Days when I wonder just what it is that others see in me and feeling like their confidence in me is a burden rather than a blessing. Days when I think that if everyone just stopped needing me and engaging with me and liking me that it'd be much easier. Is this self pity? I sure know I haven't the 'right' to feel bad or sad, I have every reason to feel blessed and happy, but I don't. I should, and I don't, I'm clear about that.

My new job is not helping my confidence. It has been three weeks since I started. I doubt myself consistently and relentlessly and it's all I can do not to just pack up my stuff and leave. My boss is very nice, very supportive, and very busy. I'm just not convinced I'll ever be any good at this job. I have made a couple of small sales, but not because of anything I've done. I've made a lot of phone calls, had a lot of no's and maybe's and as much as everyone keeps drumming into me that I can't take it personally, I do. It's not that I feel I'm being rejected. It's that I don't feel I'm doing the job well enough. I don't feel confident in my ability to sell. I'm supposed to turn no's into maybe's and maybe's into yes'. That's what I'm being paid for. I feel like I'm going to let my boss down. I know it's not a job I'd like to do long term, not based on how it has been so far, but I also know I'm lucky to be given the opportunity with no experience, and it's not like I have other options...

My ten year old son sits next to me as I write this and asks if I like my new job. I said, not really, I'm not sure I'm any good at it. He said, have you heard anyone say that? I said no, but I have to sell ads and I haven't sold many so I don't think I'm any good. If they say no Mum, he said, it's not because of you. Don't take it personally. You're a wise kid, I told him. It's because I don't want you to feel bad Mum. I want you to feel happy. I guess he can see the tears streaming down my face. He doesn't question me about it, but he notices.

I tuck him into bed and he asks, have you had a good day Mum? It's been ok, I'm just tired, I say. Why are you tired Mum? Because it's been a long day, I say. I don't want him to have a sad Mum. He deserves a happy Mum; all my kids do, and my husband a happy wife.

I wish I was.

justice

I received an email this afternoon.

"Please be advised that police investigation into your complaint is now completed.   
The person responsible in this matter is  a 28 year old male person, Unemployed, and resides at Titikaveka and he is known to the police.  With regards to your case, the male person has been charged for Entering with Intent to Commit a crime and secondly for assault on a female.  The penalty for entering with intent carries a maximum penalty of 5 years imprisonment and for assault, 2 years imprisonment.
Further charges have also been laid against this male person for other offences committed by him around Titikaveka area.
The offender is still in custody and case adjourned to the 03/5/12 for call over."

I am very relieved that my case was indeed taken seriously, and that he is in custody and unable to harm anyone else. I feel this knowledge will help me move forward.

One month on

It has been a month now since Rarotonga, and in some ways it feels distant, but at other times it is like it just happened minutes ago. I am full of conflicting thoughts about how I should be coping, how I should be thinking, what I should be doing. Mostly, I just feel sad, with a dose of anxious, some anger, and a general lack of enthusiasm for anything.
One thing I'm anxious about is knowing what happened to the man who did this. It has been extremely frustrating not to have had any answers from the Cook Islands police. It makes me doubt myself, that they don't think what happened is worth their time, that worse things happen. I have been told 'it could have been worse' and of course I have thought that myself. Thing is, all that makes me think is that my feelings aren't valid. I certainly know people who have endured much worse, maybe I am making myself a victim, maybe I am stopping myself from moving forward. I don't feel like that is true, but I doubt myself.
I want to escape from my thoughts. I understand why people take drugs or drink, to stop thinking. I've thought lots about getting drunk, I think about it every day, but I do know that won't help. Sleep seems the obvious solution, because then I don't have to think, or engage. But when I lay down, or even close my eyes, I become anxious and my thoughts of what happened accelerate.
I used to be someone who said things like "everything happens for a reason" and "we are not dealt anything in life we can't handle" Those words seem particularly cruel right now.

I guess I've finally figured out why I feel so yuck, so tired, flat, bored and uninspired, and it's really not a huge surprise. It's the food. I has to be the food. That, and the lack of exercise. Leading up to the wedding I was exercising 3-4 times a week and eating a super healthy diet heavy in raw fruits and veges. I was feeling awesome. Since the wedding I've slipped right back into old habits of eating low nutrient processed foods, consuming sugar, drinking coffee and not exercising. That, and I'm on some super strong antibiotics for my pneumonia. I have to give myself a break and realise I haven't been well enough to exercise, but I have missed it, and my mental health has suffered without it.

So, I'm back on the wagon today as I've had enough of feeling this way and want to feel happy again! It's time for detox take two! This morning I had a green smoothy for breakfast with spinach, banana, feijoa, vitamin c powder, barley grass powder and kelp powder. It wasn't delicious, but it wasn't horrible, and I feel good about giving my body some much needed nutrition.

I'm pleased that even though I've been eating poorly for the last month (today's exactly one month since the wedding) I haven't piled on the weight. I can feel I've definitely lost some muscle and I've lost a heap of fitness, but I know I can gain it back and I will.

I'm going to go to Zumba tonight. I love Zumba! It's so uplifting, so fun, so energising, and gives me a workout that I actually enjoy.

Onwards and upwards, my life is way too blessed not to be enjoying it!



Post-wedding funk?

I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I've lost my mojo. No, not that kind of mojo, but my enthusiasm for pretty much everything. I just feel so blah, so bored, so boring! I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like going anywhere, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment for no obvious reason and I really don't like it! Maybe it's the post-wedding funk? Maybe it's that I'm still recovering from pneumonia and am tired of feeling so tired? Maybe it's that now that I have time, lots of time, it's too confronting as I can't think of how to spend it?

I got my wedding photos in the post on Thursday, something I have been looking forward to SO much, and I'm actually gutted. I had built up big expectations for the photo's, they were one of my very biggest priorities when it came to the planning and budgeting for my wedding, and they have not met my expectations. I'm disappointed, and I don't know how to deal with it. Part of my disappointment is the way I look in some pics and part of it is not liking the way many of the pictures have been taken/edited. This has lead to me thinking about other things that didn't go quite how I would have liked.

I know I ought not to have this negative perspective. I know I should be grateful for my life. But for whatever reason, right now I just don't feel good. And knowing I shouldn't feel this way just makes me feel worse. K knows I'm not feeing right and he wants to help, but I don't know what to tell him. Right now, I'm just a sad daisy.

Unless....

I've always loved the story of The Lorax, it's one of Dr Seuss' many masterpieces, so I have waited with much anticipation for the release of the movie. Yesterday I finally got my chance to see it and I was not disappointed. Not often enough does a family movie come along that is truly appropriate for all ages, entertaining for all ages, and carries a message worth sharing. I saw it with my 3, 5 and 10 year olds and husband, and we all thoroughly enjoyed it. Unlike many family movies, this is one that I would happily watch again and again!

"Unless someone like you cares a whole aweful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not" - the Lorax

I love this message so much, and it excites me that people will hear it when they watch this movie. I feel driven to be the change I want to see in the world, and sometimes it feels so overwhelming. But every small seed, small act, small change has the potential for something huge, and I love that. Each of us have the opportunity, and I feel the obligation, to contribute and be part of the solution, no matter what the problem. Whether it's pollution or poverty, I can make a difference, and I have to, because if not me, then who?

When a bad thing happens

It's been over a month since I last blogged.  It's not because nothing has happened, quite the opposite, but every time I have intended to blog, I can't get my brain to narrow it down to one thing, and I give up.
The biggest, bestest, most amazing thing is that I got married on March 10. Our wedding was beautiful, magical and dreamy, simply the best day ever.  We married on the lawn at Edgewater Motel, with the backdrop of Orewa Beach, in the presence of 50 of our closest family and friends.  The word that comes to mind when I think of that day is blessed. It made me realise more than ever before how incredibly fortunate I am to have the people in my life that I do.

  

Two days later we left our kids in the capable hands of their Nana and Poppa and flew to Rarotonga for a dream honeymoon. And it was stunning! It was warm, beautiful and peaceful. Our accommodation was out of this world, absolute luxury. K and I have never spent so much time alone together, and we cherished every moment. Our love for each other, our commitment to each other and our kids, and our excitment about our future together became stronger than ever.

We made some amazing memories, and had some photos taken that I will treasure forever.

But, sometimes, bad things happen.

I woke in the early hours of Saturday morning to an intruder in our room with his hands on me.  It was a very frightening experience.  It still is, for both of us. Thankfully he left as soon as I awoke.  And thankfully he was found the following day, he eventually confessed, and he was arrested. He faces serious charges.  It helps to know he is in jail because that means others will be safe from him.

Figuring out how to process and deal with this event has been difficult. I have no precedent to draw on. Of course, I've cried, we both have, and we've asked why did this happen?  It's been a challenge coming home, because naturally all my friends and family want to know how our honeymoon was?  And I have been left not knowing what to say.  Before the bad thing happened, it was magic. But, a bad thing happened and not something easily dismissed. 

Up until yesterday I thought I couldn't tell anyone, because it would hurt them, and I don't want to hurt people.  But a good friend has made me realise that acknowledging what happened is part of my healing.  It's too big a secret, too big a burdon to keep.

So, it happened, it was scarey, it was traumatising, and I will carry it with me for life.  But, rather than be a victim, I see it as an opportunity for gratitude.  I am grateful that he left when I woke up. I am grateful for my husband who is my rock. I am grateful for the 12 and 14 year old boys that suggested to the police that they should talk to a certain man. I am grateful to the policeman who went out of his way to make enquiries, who pushed the suspect so hard that he got a confession from him, for I would not have been able to identify him.  I'm grateful for the resort owners who gave us a new room, who were generous and caring and loving towards us. I'm grateful for the four magic days we had in Rarotonga before this happened. I am grateful that it was me that this happened to rather than another woman who may not have had the coping mechanisms I do.  I am grateful that because this happened to me, he has been caught, and will be where he can't harm anyone else. I am grateful that it happened somewhere else, so I still feel safe in my own home. I am grateful that I can cry, but then I stop, and go on, and know with certainty that I am, and will be, ok.