Dumb dog!

You might be familiar with the 'black dog'? You might have heard of him, met him, even had him come to stay? In the last three months the black dog has been my almost constant companion. Some days he just sits in the corner and catches my eye every once and a while, some days he runs in circles around my feet, and other days I piggy-back him around with me every step I take. I'm NOT an animal person!! I don't like feeling this way. Ashamed, sad, lonely, irritable, confused, negative, self loathing... depressed. It's all there, in my head, these horrible conversations I have with myself, telling myself what a failure I am. Negative thoughts suck. The REAL me is happy, optimistic, hopeful, cheerful, exctied, friendly, inspired and loving.

May 17 came and went, then June 17... no detox, no healthier eating, no return to health, no amazing transformation.

My challenges

• to stop setting ridiculous expectations that are virtually impossible to meet
• to stop comparing myself to others and trust that they are not judging me
• to believe that I am good enough, worthy and capable of success
• to get rid of this damn dog!

Remembering Dorothy

When it finally came time for Dorothy to go home she found that the ability to do so had been with her the whole time, the power was with her. Long before Oprah, there was the ah-ha moment, and like Dorothy, I have just had one.

I just reminded myself of something, and I did it by re-reading my blog. In January I started a new chapter of my lifes journey. I detoxed and started eating only real food, I was exercising most days, and I felt so good. I had forgotten. In the 7 weeks since returning from our honeymoon I have slipped down a deep dark hole and become so disconnected from me. I have felt hopeless, sad, irritated, tired... the list goes on. What happened in Rarotonga was the catalyst, the trigger, but not the entire reason. I've been depressed before, in fact that's half the problem. I tell myself I 'should know better'. But, that's the thing with depression, the gap between what I know and how I feel.

I had a great chat to someone I barely know tonight. We talked about depression and diet and detoxing and eating real food. I gave her some advice, and in doing so, I gave myself some advice. My advice to me is to do what has worked before. I am now in pre-detox mode and soon, maybe starting on May 17, I will do a full detox and heal my body and mind and heart through nutrition, with side servings of exercise and therapy. Because it all starts and ends with me, it always has.

the mess in my head

The mess in my head only seems to grow. Every once and a while I feel as though maybe the cloud is lifting, that I'm starting to feel a bit happy, that the worst is behind me. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel hopeless, worthless, useless and worse. Days when I feel so trapped by my life, my not even nearly bad life that I should be ever so grateful for. Days when I wonder just what it is that others see in me and feeling like their confidence in me is a burden rather than a blessing. Days when I think that if everyone just stopped needing me and engaging with me and liking me that it'd be much easier. Is this self pity? I sure know I haven't the 'right' to feel bad or sad, I have every reason to feel blessed and happy, but I don't. I should, and I don't, I'm clear about that.

My new job is not helping my confidence. It has been three weeks since I started. I doubt myself consistently and relentlessly and it's all I can do not to just pack up my stuff and leave. My boss is very nice, very supportive, and very busy. I'm just not convinced I'll ever be any good at this job. I have made a couple of small sales, but not because of anything I've done. I've made a lot of phone calls, had a lot of no's and maybe's and as much as everyone keeps drumming into me that I can't take it personally, I do. It's not that I feel I'm being rejected. It's that I don't feel I'm doing the job well enough. I don't feel confident in my ability to sell. I'm supposed to turn no's into maybe's and maybe's into yes'. That's what I'm being paid for. I feel like I'm going to let my boss down. I know it's not a job I'd like to do long term, not based on how it has been so far, but I also know I'm lucky to be given the opportunity with no experience, and it's not like I have other options...

My ten year old son sits next to me as I write this and asks if I like my new job. I said, not really, I'm not sure I'm any good at it. He said, have you heard anyone say that? I said no, but I have to sell ads and I haven't sold many so I don't think I'm any good. If they say no Mum, he said, it's not because of you. Don't take it personally. You're a wise kid, I told him. It's because I don't want you to feel bad Mum. I want you to feel happy. I guess he can see the tears streaming down my face. He doesn't question me about it, but he notices.

I tuck him into bed and he asks, have you had a good day Mum? It's been ok, I'm just tired, I say. Why are you tired Mum? Because it's been a long day, I say. I don't want him to have a sad Mum. He deserves a happy Mum; all my kids do, and my husband a happy wife.

I wish I was.

justice

I received an email this afternoon.

"Please be advised that police investigation into your complaint is now completed.   
The person responsible in this matter is  a 28 year old male person, Unemployed, and resides at Titikaveka and he is known to the police.  With regards to your case, the male person has been charged for Entering with Intent to Commit a crime and secondly for assault on a female.  The penalty for entering with intent carries a maximum penalty of 5 years imprisonment and for assault, 2 years imprisonment.
Further charges have also been laid against this male person for other offences committed by him around Titikaveka area.
The offender is still in custody and case adjourned to the 03/5/12 for call over."

I am very relieved that my case was indeed taken seriously, and that he is in custody and unable to harm anyone else. I feel this knowledge will help me move forward.

One month on

It has been a month now since Rarotonga, and in some ways it feels distant, but at other times it is like it just happened minutes ago. I am full of conflicting thoughts about how I should be coping, how I should be thinking, what I should be doing. Mostly, I just feel sad, with a dose of anxious, some anger, and a general lack of enthusiasm for anything.
One thing I'm anxious about is knowing what happened to the man who did this. It has been extremely frustrating not to have had any answers from the Cook Islands police. It makes me doubt myself, that they don't think what happened is worth their time, that worse things happen. I have been told 'it could have been worse' and of course I have thought that myself. Thing is, all that makes me think is that my feelings aren't valid. I certainly know people who have endured much worse, maybe I am making myself a victim, maybe I am stopping myself from moving forward. I don't feel like that is true, but I doubt myself.
I want to escape from my thoughts. I understand why people take drugs or drink, to stop thinking. I've thought lots about getting drunk, I think about it every day, but I do know that won't help. Sleep seems the obvious solution, because then I don't have to think, or engage. But when I lay down, or even close my eyes, I become anxious and my thoughts of what happened accelerate.
I used to be someone who said things like "everything happens for a reason" and "we are not dealt anything in life we can't handle" Those words seem particularly cruel right now.

I guess I've finally figured out why I feel so yuck, so tired, flat, bored and uninspired, and it's really not a huge surprise. It's the food. I has to be the food. That, and the lack of exercise. Leading up to the wedding I was exercising 3-4 times a week and eating a super healthy diet heavy in raw fruits and veges. I was feeling awesome. Since the wedding I've slipped right back into old habits of eating low nutrient processed foods, consuming sugar, drinking coffee and not exercising. That, and I'm on some super strong antibiotics for my pneumonia. I have to give myself a break and realise I haven't been well enough to exercise, but I have missed it, and my mental health has suffered without it.

So, I'm back on the wagon today as I've had enough of feeling this way and want to feel happy again! It's time for detox take two! This morning I had a green smoothy for breakfast with spinach, banana, feijoa, vitamin c powder, barley grass powder and kelp powder. It wasn't delicious, but it wasn't horrible, and I feel good about giving my body some much needed nutrition.

I'm pleased that even though I've been eating poorly for the last month (today's exactly one month since the wedding) I haven't piled on the weight. I can feel I've definitely lost some muscle and I've lost a heap of fitness, but I know I can gain it back and I will.

I'm going to go to Zumba tonight. I love Zumba! It's so uplifting, so fun, so energising, and gives me a workout that I actually enjoy.

Onwards and upwards, my life is way too blessed not to be enjoying it!



Post-wedding funk?

I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I've lost my mojo. No, not that kind of mojo, but my enthusiasm for pretty much everything. I just feel so blah, so bored, so boring! I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like going anywhere, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment for no obvious reason and I really don't like it! Maybe it's the post-wedding funk? Maybe it's that I'm still recovering from pneumonia and am tired of feeling so tired? Maybe it's that now that I have time, lots of time, it's too confronting as I can't think of how to spend it?

I got my wedding photos in the post on Thursday, something I have been looking forward to SO much, and I'm actually gutted. I had built up big expectations for the photo's, they were one of my very biggest priorities when it came to the planning and budgeting for my wedding, and they have not met my expectations. I'm disappointed, and I don't know how to deal with it. Part of my disappointment is the way I look in some pics and part of it is not liking the way many of the pictures have been taken/edited. This has lead to me thinking about other things that didn't go quite how I would have liked.

I know I ought not to have this negative perspective. I know I should be grateful for my life. But for whatever reason, right now I just don't feel good. And knowing I shouldn't feel this way just makes me feel worse. K knows I'm not feeing right and he wants to help, but I don't know what to tell him. Right now, I'm just a sad daisy.