an early morning epiphany

I just went for an awesome hilly 6km walk/jog (55 mins) and came from with a really strong urge to write a message to Laurinda, the leader of my Fun n Fitness Group.  After writing it I started crying, and upon re-reading it I realise the hugeness of what has happened.  This is what I wrote:


Good morning Laurinda
I want to say thanks for your cheerleading at Tuesday's fitness session. I might not respond, (I might not be ABLE to), but I hear you every time you encourage me and I need you to know it makes a HUGE difference to me. Previously when you or anyone told me I was doing well, in pretty much any given circumstance, I would immediately negate it either in my head or to them, as I was so entrenched in my negative self beliefs. All my adult life I have not been able to accept praise, because as a child I was not praised. I didn't have an abusive childhood at all, but praise just wasn't something I received. It is only really in the last few weeks that I have begun to open myself up to praise and accept that when people say something nice they are telling the truth. So, please do keep cheering me on, I need it.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Sara xx

This is SO big for me, and SO exciting.  It's ironic that something I so craved was something I just WOULDN'T accept - praise.  Eight years ago I did a team building weekend through Playcentre and there was one exercise we did that destroyed me, it ruined the weekend for me.  There were about 15 of us, all women, all mums, no-one I knew very well but all fabulous women who were leaders within Playcentre.  The activity required us to sit in a large circle and a chair was placed in the middle.  One by one we were to sit in that chair while each person in the circle said something positive about the person in the middle, some praise.  I thought I was going to throw up.  The idea of sitting in the middle of a group and them being required to say something good about me was horrific.  Why?  Because they wouldn't be able to think of anything, and so would either have to make something up or just not say something, leaving me humiliated.  As my turn approached I became more and more anxious, I felt nauseous, I was fighting back the tears, and desperately thinking of any way I could get out of this situation.  All I wanted was to get the hell out of there.  When my turn came I stood up, walked over to the seat, sat down and (I remember this clear as day) said "you can say what you like, I'm not listening".

And that is how it has been for me, I have done some really cool things in my life and done them well, but still the overwhelming voice in my head has insisted that if only people knew me properly they'd think differently, and that I do not DESERVE praise.

Turns out, I DO!  I'm actually a really fantastic person, I enhance a lot of people's lives through my actions and my relationships, and when it comes down to it I'm bloody proud of who I am.  This is a very new feeling for me, and it is so freeing.  I don't have to be perfect to deserve praise, I already am perfect, in all my imperfections.

I am perfectly imperfect!!!