I guess I've finally figured out why I feel so yuck, so tired, flat, bored and uninspired, and it's really not a huge surprise. It's the food. I has to be the food. That, and the lack of exercise. Leading up to the wedding I was exercising 3-4 times a week and eating a super healthy diet heavy in raw fruits and veges. I was feeling awesome. Since the wedding I've slipped right back into old habits of eating low nutrient processed foods, consuming sugar, drinking coffee and not exercising. That, and I'm on some super strong antibiotics for my pneumonia. I have to give myself a break and realise I haven't been well enough to exercise, but I have missed it, and my mental health has suffered without it.

So, I'm back on the wagon today as I've had enough of feeling this way and want to feel happy again! It's time for detox take two! This morning I had a green smoothy for breakfast with spinach, banana, feijoa, vitamin c powder, barley grass powder and kelp powder. It wasn't delicious, but it wasn't horrible, and I feel good about giving my body some much needed nutrition.

I'm pleased that even though I've been eating poorly for the last month (today's exactly one month since the wedding) I haven't piled on the weight. I can feel I've definitely lost some muscle and I've lost a heap of fitness, but I know I can gain it back and I will.

I'm going to go to Zumba tonight. I love Zumba! It's so uplifting, so fun, so energising, and gives me a workout that I actually enjoy.

Onwards and upwards, my life is way too blessed not to be enjoying it!



Post-wedding funk?

I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I've lost my mojo. No, not that kind of mojo, but my enthusiasm for pretty much everything. I just feel so blah, so bored, so boring! I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like going anywhere, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment for no obvious reason and I really don't like it! Maybe it's the post-wedding funk? Maybe it's that I'm still recovering from pneumonia and am tired of feeling so tired? Maybe it's that now that I have time, lots of time, it's too confronting as I can't think of how to spend it?

I got my wedding photos in the post on Thursday, something I have been looking forward to SO much, and I'm actually gutted. I had built up big expectations for the photo's, they were one of my very biggest priorities when it came to the planning and budgeting for my wedding, and they have not met my expectations. I'm disappointed, and I don't know how to deal with it. Part of my disappointment is the way I look in some pics and part of it is not liking the way many of the pictures have been taken/edited. This has lead to me thinking about other things that didn't go quite how I would have liked.

I know I ought not to have this negative perspective. I know I should be grateful for my life. But for whatever reason, right now I just don't feel good. And knowing I shouldn't feel this way just makes me feel worse. K knows I'm not feeing right and he wants to help, but I don't know what to tell him. Right now, I'm just a sad daisy.

Unless....

I've always loved the story of The Lorax, it's one of Dr Seuss' many masterpieces, so I have waited with much anticipation for the release of the movie. Yesterday I finally got my chance to see it and I was not disappointed. Not often enough does a family movie come along that is truly appropriate for all ages, entertaining for all ages, and carries a message worth sharing. I saw it with my 3, 5 and 10 year olds and husband, and we all thoroughly enjoyed it. Unlike many family movies, this is one that I would happily watch again and again!

"Unless someone like you cares a whole aweful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not" - the Lorax

I love this message so much, and it excites me that people will hear it when they watch this movie. I feel driven to be the change I want to see in the world, and sometimes it feels so overwhelming. But every small seed, small act, small change has the potential for something huge, and I love that. Each of us have the opportunity, and I feel the obligation, to contribute and be part of the solution, no matter what the problem. Whether it's pollution or poverty, I can make a difference, and I have to, because if not me, then who?

When a bad thing happens

It's been over a month since I last blogged.  It's not because nothing has happened, quite the opposite, but every time I have intended to blog, I can't get my brain to narrow it down to one thing, and I give up.
The biggest, bestest, most amazing thing is that I got married on March 10. Our wedding was beautiful, magical and dreamy, simply the best day ever.  We married on the lawn at Edgewater Motel, with the backdrop of Orewa Beach, in the presence of 50 of our closest family and friends.  The word that comes to mind when I think of that day is blessed. It made me realise more than ever before how incredibly fortunate I am to have the people in my life that I do.

  

Two days later we left our kids in the capable hands of their Nana and Poppa and flew to Rarotonga for a dream honeymoon. And it was stunning! It was warm, beautiful and peaceful. Our accommodation was out of this world, absolute luxury. K and I have never spent so much time alone together, and we cherished every moment. Our love for each other, our commitment to each other and our kids, and our excitment about our future together became stronger than ever.

We made some amazing memories, and had some photos taken that I will treasure forever.

But, sometimes, bad things happen.

I woke in the early hours of Saturday morning to an intruder in our room with his hands on me.  It was a very frightening experience.  It still is, for both of us. Thankfully he left as soon as I awoke.  And thankfully he was found the following day, he eventually confessed, and he was arrested. He faces serious charges.  It helps to know he is in jail because that means others will be safe from him.

Figuring out how to process and deal with this event has been difficult. I have no precedent to draw on. Of course, I've cried, we both have, and we've asked why did this happen?  It's been a challenge coming home, because naturally all my friends and family want to know how our honeymoon was?  And I have been left not knowing what to say.  Before the bad thing happened, it was magic. But, a bad thing happened and not something easily dismissed. 

Up until yesterday I thought I couldn't tell anyone, because it would hurt them, and I don't want to hurt people.  But a good friend has made me realise that acknowledging what happened is part of my healing.  It's too big a secret, too big a burdon to keep.

So, it happened, it was scarey, it was traumatising, and I will carry it with me for life.  But, rather than be a victim, I see it as an opportunity for gratitude.  I am grateful that he left when I woke up. I am grateful for my husband who is my rock. I am grateful for the 12 and 14 year old boys that suggested to the police that they should talk to a certain man. I am grateful to the policeman who went out of his way to make enquiries, who pushed the suspect so hard that he got a confession from him, for I would not have been able to identify him.  I'm grateful for the resort owners who gave us a new room, who were generous and caring and loving towards us. I'm grateful for the four magic days we had in Rarotonga before this happened. I am grateful that it was me that this happened to rather than another woman who may not have had the coping mechanisms I do.  I am grateful that because this happened to me, he has been caught, and will be where he can't harm anyone else. I am grateful that it happened somewhere else, so I still feel safe in my own home. I am grateful that I can cry, but then I stop, and go on, and know with certainty that I am, and will be, ok.

The reward is worth the risk!

What holds you back from saying how you really feel? 

From doing what you really want?

Bucket lists are pretty trendy these days - most people I know seem to have one, in their mind at least. The trick (challenge) seems to be taking that list and turning it into action.  The more I travel this physical/mental/emotional journey to health, the more I realise who I am, and what I really want from my life.  Some of the things on my list seem so scary that to share them seems too much of a risk, and yet when I think of doing them I feel so moved, so excited, so ME.

One of the things on my list is to sing.  I have always had a fairly good singing voice, certainly I can sing confidently at Mainly Music and enjoy a good Sing Star session.  But I want more!  A couple of birthdays ago my wonderful friend took me to see 'Mama Mia'.  It was beyond awesome!  And as I sat there all I could think was how awesome their job was, and how I longed to be part of it.  Then my horrible toad of an inner voice reminded me, 'you're not good enough, and besides which, you're too fat'.  And that's how it has been for me for so long.  Now I'm no dreamer, I'm not the next Adele, and in truth that's not what I want to be.  But I love to sing, it stirs my soul, and I want to be part of something musical.  And I will, because even if I suck, I AM good enough to try, and the reward feels so worth the risk!!

And just for the record, my favourite Mama Mia song?....

'Does Your Mother Know?'

The Attitude of Gratitude

What if you woke up tomorrow and the only things you had

were the things you were thankful for today?

Gratitude is so very important!  Given that your focus determines your reality, paying attention to what you ALREADY HAVE makes life so much better, and before you know it, so many amazing things start happening in your life it's hard to keep track of them all!  I've always been an Oprah Winfrey fan, she's pretty much my only 'role model'. She taught me about gratitude a long time ago, but it's only relatively recently that I have started to really understand. 

Today I am grateful for....

• Mr K, my fiance, who loves me without limit, supports me no matter what, and helps me feel the luckiest and happiest I can be
• My best friend of 13 years V, for being the practical/organised one, for helping me with my wedding plans, for organising me a hens night (tomorrow!) and for just being a wonderful friend who has knows pretty much everything there is to know about me
• My in-laws (though technically the ex-in laws) for babysitting later today
• Finding a new makeup artist who is available to do my makeup trial tomorrow
• Living in such an amazing place as New Zealand, not too far from the beautiful ocean
• Having the internet so I can connect
• My raw mentors who have given me the gift of health
• Our three beautiful, amazing children
• Tomato, avocado, red onions and balsamic vinegar because they are just so delicious

There's so much more to be grateful for, but that's what occurs to me right now. 

Have you thought about what you're grateful for today?

What people ask me...

The most asked question when I tell people I am eating raw is, 'If you don't eat dairy, grains, meat, or processed foods, what DO you eat??'  The answer is that right now I eat:

• a wide variety of raw fruit and vegetables, as much as possible of which is organic, some of which I blend into smoothies and add high nutrient foods like kelp and barley grass
• a small amount (less than 10%) of other foods like soaked or boiled chic peas, wild rice, cooked vegetables like potatoes, organic brown rice wafers, free range eggs
• an even smaller amount of lightly cooked fish (ie once a week at most)
• a multivitamin/mineral supplement daily

This is usually very closely followed by a concerned 'but where do you get your protein?'  I could attempt to answer in my own words, but I'm really not the expert, so I've copied the following from www.rawfoods.com:

"Where do raw and living foodist get their protein?
The WHO (World Health Organization) says humans need about 5% of their daily calories to come from protein to be healthy. The USDA puts this figure at 6.5%. On average, fruits have about 5% of their calories from protein. Vegetables have from 20-50% of their calories from protein. Sprouted seeds, beans, and grains contain from 10-25% of their calories from protein. So if you are eating any variety of living plant foods, you are getting more than adequate protein.

Numerous scientific studies have shown the daily need for protein to be about 25-35 grams per day. So if you ate 2,000 calories per day, and ate raw plant foods that had an average of 10% of their calories from protein, you would get 200 calories worth of protein, or 50 grams. This is more than adequate to support optimal well-being. Other studies have shown that heat treating a protein (such as with cooking) makes about half of it unusable to the human body. So raw plant food protein is even a better source than cooked plant foods or animal foods.

There is still a huge, foolish, misguided idea that plant protein is not "complete". This is based on studies done on rats in the 1940's. This false conclusion was drawn before we discovered the bodies protein recycling mechanism and its ability to "complete" any amino acid mix from our bodies amino acid pool, no matter what the amino acid composition of a meal consumed. This false idea is still perpetuated by the meat and dairy industries, in an attempt to influence people to continue consuming their truly health destroying products".


I'm no scientist, nor a researcher, so all can base my opinion on is my own personal experience.  That experience is, that in the last 4 weeks of eating raw, as described above, I have never felt better in my life.  I have lost approx 6kg (probably more, but I don't have scales), I have more energy than I ever have even when I was much slimmer, I spring out of bed in the morning, my mind clarity is amazing, I no longer take anti-depressants, I need less sleep, my appetite is a fraction of what it used to be, and my passion for life is at an all time high.