Feelings

My negative self talk is in overdrive at the moment, reminding me constantly of everything I don't do, urging me to just give up, because I'm not good enough, I'm lazy, and I won't succeed.  It's all good and well to challenge these thoughts, and I sure make an effort to do so, but that voice is so incredibly LOUD.

We had two gorgeous women come to talk to us today about styling and dressing for our shape.  Their words were so encouraging, and so inspiring, and it was clear they were such genuine and caring women. I spent my time fighting back the tears.  When Vanessa talked about everyone needing a cheerleader, I really hurt inside, because that is what I need.  I do have people in my life who love and accept me just as I am, and who also believe I can do anything I want, but I still feel so alone in this struggle.  I want to believe I will acheive my goals, but truthfully, I don't, and it hurts.  I hate being trapped in this body, allowing it to define me. 

Low self worth and depression have long been factors in my life.  I had post natal depression with all three of my kids, and although I am substantially better, I am still very vulnerable to negative self talk and criticism.  I've had enough psychotherapy to know to challenge the negative self talk, but right now it's just shouting at me so loud it's beginning to drown out everything else.  I struggle so much with the idea of accepting and loving myself just as I am now, when I feel like such a failure because I am overweight and have been for so long.  How can I love this body, the same body I loathe, the same body that reminds me every day of my weakness, my lack of self discipline, my failings?  How can I move past feeling sorry for myself and take back control of my health?  And mostly, how can I translate the positive things I tell myself, and the words of encouragement from others, into positive feelings?