The Pity Party is taking a day off today, and I have just been super inspired by this video! I'm not going to explain why, just watch (and have tissues handy)...
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Feelings
My negative self talk is in overdrive at the moment, reminding me constantly of everything I don't do, urging me to just give up, because I'm not good enough, I'm lazy, and I won't succeed. It's all good and well to challenge these thoughts, and I sure make an effort to do so, but that voice is so incredibly LOUD.
We had two gorgeous women come to talk to us today about styling and dressing for our shape. Their words were so encouraging, and so inspiring, and it was clear they were such genuine and caring women. I spent my time fighting back the tears. When Vanessa talked about everyone needing a cheerleader, I really hurt inside, because that is what I need. I do have people in my life who love and accept me just as I am, and who also believe I can do anything I want, but I still feel so alone in this struggle. I want to believe I will acheive my goals, but truthfully, I don't, and it hurts. I hate being trapped in this body, allowing it to define me.
Low self worth and depression have long been factors in my life. I had post natal depression with all three of my kids, and although I am substantially better, I am still very vulnerable to negative self talk and criticism. I've had enough psychotherapy to know to challenge the negative self talk, but right now it's just shouting at me so loud it's beginning to drown out everything else. I struggle so much with the idea of accepting and loving myself just as I am now, when I feel like such a failure because I am overweight and have been for so long. How can I love this body, the same body I loathe, the same body that reminds me every day of my weakness, my lack of self discipline, my failings? How can I move past feeling sorry for myself and take back control of my health? And mostly, how can I translate the positive things I tell myself, and the words of encouragement from others, into positive feelings?
We had two gorgeous women come to talk to us today about styling and dressing for our shape. Their words were so encouraging, and so inspiring, and it was clear they were such genuine and caring women. I spent my time fighting back the tears. When Vanessa talked about everyone needing a cheerleader, I really hurt inside, because that is what I need. I do have people in my life who love and accept me just as I am, and who also believe I can do anything I want, but I still feel so alone in this struggle. I want to believe I will acheive my goals, but truthfully, I don't, and it hurts. I hate being trapped in this body, allowing it to define me.
Low self worth and depression have long been factors in my life. I had post natal depression with all three of my kids, and although I am substantially better, I am still very vulnerable to negative self talk and criticism. I've had enough psychotherapy to know to challenge the negative self talk, but right now it's just shouting at me so loud it's beginning to drown out everything else. I struggle so much with the idea of accepting and loving myself just as I am now, when I feel like such a failure because I am overweight and have been for so long. How can I love this body, the same body I loathe, the same body that reminds me every day of my weakness, my lack of self discipline, my failings? How can I move past feeling sorry for myself and take back control of my health? And mostly, how can I translate the positive things I tell myself, and the words of encouragement from others, into positive feelings?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Let's Dance
I've just had a mini workout, dancing with the kids! We did The Time Warp (The Rocky Horror Picture Show is pretty much my most favourite musical ever, that, and Mama Mia!) and the Macarena (which, I just realised, is 17 years old!), and my kids tried to teach me shuffling and the moonwalk! It's so not as easy as it looks!
It's been a while between blogs/workouts
It's four in the afternoon and I just got all enthused about doing a workout. I was just sitting here and thought, hey, I can exercise now, what's stopping me?! So I opened the programme, and read it, and I just want to cry. I’m thinking, I don’t know how to do that, what is that again, look how far behind I am… I’m day 3 into week 3 and I feel like I haven’t even taken a step. It’s my own fault, I’ve just not been doing the programme, and now I feel like I’m running after a bus I can’t catch. Immediately, I'm looking back, seeing my past failures, adding another to the list, and feeling like I may as well just give up.
I've been stuck in this cycle for so long, it's like I can't find another way to be. I can hear Dr Phil right now "And how's that working for you, Sara?". It's not! "And what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!".
So, in spite of myself, I'm not going to give up. I'm going to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I won't do it perfectly, it won't be easy, but I need to keep telling myself I am worth it!
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Day 1
When I went to Fun 'n Fitness Camp sign-up day last Saturday morning I looked around the room and thought (and would later mention to friends) "I thought this was for overweight people!". The women I saw around me I considered to be slim. Yes, I sure did consider the bodies of the other women, not in so much as to linger on each individual, but to see how I compared in size, because that is second nature to me. For as long as I can remember I have been conscious of whether I am the largest person around me. If I decide I am, it reinforces my negative thoughts about myself, and if I decide there are others who are overweight like me, I feel no better.
Amongst my nerves as I drove to my first session this morning, I wondered if anyone would have as much weight to lose as me, or be as unfit as me? It is, after all, the reason I don't like being at the gym. I feel like everyone is fitter, healthier and slimmer and I feel like I stand out a mile in all the wrong ways.
First impressions - skipping! Skipping!! What have I done, I can't do this! And I will stand out again, for all the wrong reasons, and I will be worse than everyone and it will be embarrassing...
And then Laurinda told me something I've heard so many times, but something about the way she said it, or the situation I was in, made me actually LISTEN. That I am not to compare myself to anyone else, because I do not know nor have lived their journey and neither have they mine. What an amazing relief, that I don't have to compare myself, because it's not about me vs anyone but me.
So I did my fitness tests, and I did my best, and it was ok. In fact, it was even good.
And my other big lesson today, was courtesy of Laurinda's awesome car analogy ~ A car has a large windscreen, so we can clearly see ahead of us and a small rear mirror, so we can glance behind. To move forward we must focus ahead of us not to the past. See ya past... helloooo future :-)
Amongst my nerves as I drove to my first session this morning, I wondered if anyone would have as much weight to lose as me, or be as unfit as me? It is, after all, the reason I don't like being at the gym. I feel like everyone is fitter, healthier and slimmer and I feel like I stand out a mile in all the wrong ways.
First impressions - skipping! Skipping!! What have I done, I can't do this! And I will stand out again, for all the wrong reasons, and I will be worse than everyone and it will be embarrassing...
And then Laurinda told me something I've heard so many times, but something about the way she said it, or the situation I was in, made me actually LISTEN. That I am not to compare myself to anyone else, because I do not know nor have lived their journey and neither have they mine. What an amazing relief, that I don't have to compare myself, because it's not about me vs anyone but me.
So I did my fitness tests, and I did my best, and it was ok. In fact, it was even good.
And my other big lesson today, was courtesy of Laurinda's awesome car analogy ~ A car has a large windscreen, so we can clearly see ahead of us and a small rear mirror, so we can glance behind. To move forward we must focus ahead of us not to the past. See ya past... helloooo future :-)
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