So, my day began at at leisurely 9am with a large glass of hot water with the juice of half a lemon and 1 tsp of apple cider vinegar. I also took 2 x 5HTP capsules (a serotonin booster I take for my depression as a natural alternative to anti-depressants), 1 x garlic and echenacea tablet (for allergy/hayfever relief), 1 x probiotic (healthy bacteria to improve my digestive health) and 1 x omega 3 fish oil capsule (also to assist with my depression).
About 45 mins later I had my breakfast: a greeen smoothie containing 2 large handfuls of spinach, 1 tsp barley grass powder, 1/2 tsp vitamin C powder, 1/2 tsp spiralina, 1 large banana, 2 drops of steevia sweetener. I made all this in my new blender which has a gutsy 1000w motor and unlike my $20 Trade Me blender doesn't leak!
By late morning I was feeling pretty grumpy with strong cravings for sugary coffee and bread, low mood, tiredness and annoyance at not being 'allowed' to eat what I want. Thankfully I was 'rescued' from myself by a wonderful friend, taken to the mall, and treated to a delicious salad from Tank. The salad really was very yummy and I felt good about eating it, but that's not to say I didn't wish I could have some of the sushi my daughter was having.
I have a job interview on Tuesday, a job that is so awesome, a job I really want. Along with battling my negative thoughts about why I'm not going to be good enough, I don't have anything suitable to wear. I got rid of all my clothes that were too big, and now I'm too big for the ones I have. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, so heavy, lethargic, achy, and yuck! I couldn't bring myself to look for clothes at the mall, I didn't have the physical or emotional energy for it.
It's not fair! That's how I feel. It's not fair that I can't just put whatever I want in my mouth and be healthy and not put on weight. I don't even mean that I want to eat chocolate at every meal, or maybe I do. I want to eat cheese, and bread, and pasta and sugary coffee and icecream and potato chips and not be fat! I realise 'it's not fair' is not a mature way to think.
I made it through the afternoon by sleeping from 3.30-7.00. When I awoke I had another green smoothie, and a while later an apple and a small handful of grapes. Phew, I made it through day 1!
