When I look at my 4 year old daughter I see a little me. Not an exact copy, but close enough that I can imagine being her, remember myself as little girl. She is precious and she is perfect and she is beautiful, just because she is her. She is too young to think she is anything but beautiful. I tell her she is beautiful, and funny, and smart, and precious. I wonder if I ever felt those things about myself? I wonder if someone stopped telling me - or if they ever did? I have no memory of being complimented, or praised.
Maybe it was my mother, who was never told those things by her mother, that didn't know to tell me? Maybe it was my father leaving when I was 10 that made me think I wasn't special, that made me decide I wasn't beautiful? Maybe it was growing up with images of beauty on TV and in magazines that didn't look like me. I remember feeling confused in my early teens. I had an idea that I might be pretty, but no-one ever told me that I was, so I decided I must have been wrong. And it's a feeling that has endured. Even now, I think I might look nice, and then make a list in my head of all the reasons I am wrong. Someone may compliment how I look, and I very quickly decide it's not true.
What I do remember, was my mother talking about how fat she was. I remember that a lot. I remember her soup diets, her exercise books and videos, and her constantly putting herself down. I don't remember her ever telling me I was fat, but I learned how bad being fat was, and how you can't be pretty, or good, or ok, if you're fat.
I want to feel ok being me, just as I am, I feel like that's something I ought to feel, but I don't. I think it's because I am overweight that I don't, at least that's what I've always told myself. Yet, even though being overweight makes me unhappy, and even though I want to not be this way, I continue making choices that continue making me fat. So I conclude, that there is in fact something wrong with me, or bad about me, for me to behave this way. I'm beginning to think I don't need a diet as much as I need to figure out how to love myself just because I am me. How does one do that?
Monday, October 22, 2012
Friday, July 06, 2012
the perfect time to start
Yesterday was Thursday, the perfect time to start a detox. Not the beginning of the week/month/year, not my birthday, not even a warm sunny day, just a random cold, wintery Thursday. I've obviously been thinking about it for weeks months, and on Wednesday I realised I have to start immediately. I weighed myself for the first time in a couple of months. I knew I'd put on weight because my clothes are tight, but the number I saw on the scale gave me a big surprise and not in a good way. Between October 2011 and March 2012 I lost 16 kg. Between March 2012 and July 4 2012 I have regained 8 of those kgs! I know one thing for sure, whilst I may struggle to take off weight I am very good at gaining it.
So, my day began at at leisurely 9am with a large glass of hot water with the juice of half a lemon and 1 tsp of apple cider vinegar. I also took 2 x 5HTP capsules (a serotonin booster I take for my depression as a natural alternative to anti-depressants), 1 x garlic and echenacea tablet (for allergy/hayfever relief), 1 x probiotic (healthy bacteria to improve my digestive health) and 1 x omega 3 fish oil capsule (also to assist with my depression).
About 45 mins later I had my breakfast: a greeen smoothie containing 2 large handfuls of spinach, 1 tsp barley grass powder, 1/2 tsp vitamin C powder, 1/2 tsp spiralina, 1 large banana, 2 drops of steevia sweetener. I made all this in my new blender which has a gutsy 1000w motor and unlike my $20 Trade Me blender doesn't leak!
By late morning I was feeling pretty grumpy with strong cravings for sugary coffee and bread, low mood, tiredness and annoyance at not being 'allowed' to eat what I want. Thankfully I was 'rescued' from myself by a wonderful friend, taken to the mall, and treated to a delicious salad from Tank. The salad really was very yummy and I felt good about eating it, but that's not to say I didn't wish I could have some of the sushi my daughter was having.
I have a job interview on Tuesday, a job that is so awesome, a job I really want. Along with battling my negative thoughts about why I'm not going to be good enough, I don't have anything suitable to wear. I got rid of all my clothes that were too big, and now I'm too big for the ones I have. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, so heavy, lethargic, achy, and yuck! I couldn't bring myself to look for clothes at the mall, I didn't have the physical or emotional energy for it.
It's not fair! That's how I feel. It's not fair that I can't just put whatever I want in my mouth and be healthy and not put on weight. I don't even mean that I want to eat chocolate at every meal, or maybe I do. I want to eat cheese, and bread, and pasta and sugary coffee and icecream and potato chips and not be fat! I realise 'it's not fair' is not a mature way to think.
I made it through the afternoon by sleeping from 3.30-7.00. When I awoke I had another green smoothie, and a while later an apple and a small handful of grapes. Phew, I made it through day 1!
So, my day began at at leisurely 9am with a large glass of hot water with the juice of half a lemon and 1 tsp of apple cider vinegar. I also took 2 x 5HTP capsules (a serotonin booster I take for my depression as a natural alternative to anti-depressants), 1 x garlic and echenacea tablet (for allergy/hayfever relief), 1 x probiotic (healthy bacteria to improve my digestive health) and 1 x omega 3 fish oil capsule (also to assist with my depression).
About 45 mins later I had my breakfast: a greeen smoothie containing 2 large handfuls of spinach, 1 tsp barley grass powder, 1/2 tsp vitamin C powder, 1/2 tsp spiralina, 1 large banana, 2 drops of steevia sweetener. I made all this in my new blender which has a gutsy 1000w motor and unlike my $20 Trade Me blender doesn't leak!
By late morning I was feeling pretty grumpy with strong cravings for sugary coffee and bread, low mood, tiredness and annoyance at not being 'allowed' to eat what I want. Thankfully I was 'rescued' from myself by a wonderful friend, taken to the mall, and treated to a delicious salad from Tank. The salad really was very yummy and I felt good about eating it, but that's not to say I didn't wish I could have some of the sushi my daughter was having.
I have a job interview on Tuesday, a job that is so awesome, a job I really want. Along with battling my negative thoughts about why I'm not going to be good enough, I don't have anything suitable to wear. I got rid of all my clothes that were too big, and now I'm too big for the ones I have. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, so heavy, lethargic, achy, and yuck! I couldn't bring myself to look for clothes at the mall, I didn't have the physical or emotional energy for it.
It's not fair! That's how I feel. It's not fair that I can't just put whatever I want in my mouth and be healthy and not put on weight. I don't even mean that I want to eat chocolate at every meal, or maybe I do. I want to eat cheese, and bread, and pasta and sugary coffee and icecream and potato chips and not be fat! I realise 'it's not fair' is not a mature way to think.
I made it through the afternoon by sleeping from 3.30-7.00. When I awoke I had another green smoothie, and a while later an apple and a small handful of grapes. Phew, I made it through day 1!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Dumb dog!
You might be familiar with the 'black dog'? You might have heard of him, met him, even had him come to stay? In the last three months the black dog has been my almost constant companion. Some days he just sits in the corner and catches my eye every once and a while, some days he runs in circles around my feet, and other days I piggy-back him around with me every step I take. I'm NOT an animal person!! I don't like feeling this way. Ashamed, sad, lonely, irritable, confused, negative, self loathing... depressed. It's all there, in my head, these horrible conversations I have with myself, telling myself what a failure I am. Negative thoughts suck. The REAL me is happy, optimistic, hopeful, cheerful, exctied, friendly, inspired and loving.
May 17 came and went, then June 17... no detox, no healthier eating, no return to health, no amazing transformation.
My challenges
May 17 came and went, then June 17... no detox, no healthier eating, no return to health, no amazing transformation.
My challenges
- to stop setting ridiculous expectations that are virtually impossible to meet
- to stop comparing myself to others and trust that they are not judging me
- to believe that I am good enough, worthy and capable of success
- to get rid of this damn dog!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Remembering Dorothy
When it finally came time for Dorothy to go home she found that the ability to do so had been with her the whole time, the power was with her. Long before Oprah, there was the ah-ha moment, and like Dorothy, I have just had one.
I just reminded myself of something, and I did it by re-reading my blog. In January I started a new chapter of my lifes journey. I detoxed and started eating only real food, I was exercising most days, and I felt so good. I had forgotten. In the 7 weeks since returning from our honeymoon I have slipped down a deep dark hole and become so disconnected from me. I have felt hopeless, sad, irritated, tired... the list goes on. What happened in Rarotonga was the catalyst, the trigger, but not the entire reason. I've been depressed before, in fact that's half the problem. I tell myself I 'should know better'. But, that's the thing with depression, the gap between what I know and how I feel.
I had a great chat to someone I barely know tonight. We talked about depression and diet and detoxing and eating real food. I gave her some advice, and in doing so, I gave myself some advice. My advice to me is to do what has worked before. I am now in pre-detox mode and soon, maybe starting on May 17, I will do a full detox and heal my body and mind and heart through nutrition, with side servings of exercise and therapy. Because it all starts and ends with me, it always has.
I just reminded myself of something, and I did it by re-reading my blog. In January I started a new chapter of my lifes journey. I detoxed and started eating only real food, I was exercising most days, and I felt so good. I had forgotten. In the 7 weeks since returning from our honeymoon I have slipped down a deep dark hole and become so disconnected from me. I have felt hopeless, sad, irritated, tired... the list goes on. What happened in Rarotonga was the catalyst, the trigger, but not the entire reason. I've been depressed before, in fact that's half the problem. I tell myself I 'should know better'. But, that's the thing with depression, the gap between what I know and how I feel.
I had a great chat to someone I barely know tonight. We talked about depression and diet and detoxing and eating real food. I gave her some advice, and in doing so, I gave myself some advice. My advice to me is to do what has worked before. I am now in pre-detox mode and soon, maybe starting on May 17, I will do a full detox and heal my body and mind and heart through nutrition, with side servings of exercise and therapy. Because it all starts and ends with me, it always has.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
the mess in my head
The mess in my head only seems to grow. Every once and a while I feel as though maybe the cloud is lifting, that I'm starting to feel a bit happy, that the worst is behind me. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel hopeless, worthless, useless and worse. Days when I feel so trapped by my life, my not even nearly bad life that I should be ever so grateful for. Days when I wonder just what it is that others see in me and feeling like their confidence in me is a burden rather than a blessing. Days when I think that if everyone just stopped needing me and engaging with me and liking me that it'd be much easier. Is this self pity? I sure know I haven't the 'right' to feel bad or sad, I have every reason to feel blessed and happy, but I don't. I should, and I don't, I'm clear about that.
My new job is not helping my confidence. It has been three weeks since I started. I doubt myself consistently and relentlessly and it's all I can do not to just pack up my stuff and leave. My boss is very nice, very supportive, and very busy. I'm just not convinced I'll ever be any good at this job. I have made a couple of small sales, but not because of anything I've done. I've made a lot of phone calls, had a lot of no's and maybe's and as much as everyone keeps drumming into me that I can't take it personally, I do. It's not that I feel I'm being rejected. It's that I don't feel I'm doing the job well enough. I don't feel confident in my ability to sell. I'm supposed to turn no's into maybe's and maybe's into yes'. That's what I'm being paid for. I feel like I'm going to let my boss down. I know it's not a job I'd like to do long term, not based on how it has been so far, but I also know I'm lucky to be given the opportunity with no experience, and it's not like I have other options...
My ten year old son sits next to me as I write this and asks if I like my new job. I said, not really, I'm not sure I'm any good at it. He said, have you heard anyone say that? I said no, but I have to sell ads and I haven't sold many so I don't think I'm any good. If they say no Mum, he said, it's not because of you. Don't take it personally. You're a wise kid, I told him. It's because I don't want you to feel bad Mum. I want you to feel happy. I guess he can see the tears streaming down my face. He doesn't question me about it, but he notices.
I tuck him into bed and he asks, have you had a good day Mum? It's been ok, I'm just tired, I say. Why are you tired Mum? Because it's been a long day, I say. I don't want him to have a sad Mum. He deserves a happy Mum; all my kids do, and my husband a happy wife.
I wish I was.
My new job is not helping my confidence. It has been three weeks since I started. I doubt myself consistently and relentlessly and it's all I can do not to just pack up my stuff and leave. My boss is very nice, very supportive, and very busy. I'm just not convinced I'll ever be any good at this job. I have made a couple of small sales, but not because of anything I've done. I've made a lot of phone calls, had a lot of no's and maybe's and as much as everyone keeps drumming into me that I can't take it personally, I do. It's not that I feel I'm being rejected. It's that I don't feel I'm doing the job well enough. I don't feel confident in my ability to sell. I'm supposed to turn no's into maybe's and maybe's into yes'. That's what I'm being paid for. I feel like I'm going to let my boss down. I know it's not a job I'd like to do long term, not based on how it has been so far, but I also know I'm lucky to be given the opportunity with no experience, and it's not like I have other options...
My ten year old son sits next to me as I write this and asks if I like my new job. I said, not really, I'm not sure I'm any good at it. He said, have you heard anyone say that? I said no, but I have to sell ads and I haven't sold many so I don't think I'm any good. If they say no Mum, he said, it's not because of you. Don't take it personally. You're a wise kid, I told him. It's because I don't want you to feel bad Mum. I want you to feel happy. I guess he can see the tears streaming down my face. He doesn't question me about it, but he notices.
I tuck him into bed and he asks, have you had a good day Mum? It's been ok, I'm just tired, I say. Why are you tired Mum? Because it's been a long day, I say. I don't want him to have a sad Mum. He deserves a happy Mum; all my kids do, and my husband a happy wife.
I wish I was.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
justice
I received an email this afternoon.
"Please be advised that police investigation into your complaint is now completed.
The person responsible in this matter is a 28 year old male person, Unemployed, and resides at Titikaveka and he is known to the police. With regards to your case, the male person has been charged for Entering with Intent to Commit a crime and secondly for assault on a female. The penalty for entering with intent carries a maximum penalty of 5 years imprisonment and for assault, 2 years imprisonment.
Further charges have also been laid against this male person for other offences committed by him around Titikaveka area.
The offender is still in custody and case adjourned to the 03/5/12 for call over."
I am very relieved that my case was indeed taken seriously, and that he is in custody and unable to harm anyone else. I feel this knowledge will help me move forward.
One month on
It has been a month now since Rarotonga, and in some ways it feels distant, but at other times it is like it just happened minutes ago. I am full of conflicting thoughts about how I should be coping, how I should be thinking, what I should be doing. Mostly, I just feel sad, with a dose of anxious, some anger, and a general lack of enthusiasm for anything.
One thing I'm anxious about is knowing what happened to the man who did this. It has been extremely frustrating not to have had any answers from the Cook Islands police. It makes me doubt myself, that they don't think what happened is worth their time, that worse things happen. I have been told 'it could have been worse' and of course I have thought that myself. Thing is, all that makes me think is that my feelings aren't valid. I certainly know people who have endured much worse, maybe I am making myself a victim, maybe I am stopping myself from moving forward. I don't feel like that is true, but I doubt myself.
I want to escape from my thoughts. I understand why people take drugs or drink, to stop thinking. I've thought lots about getting drunk, I think about it every day, but I do know that won't help. Sleep seems the obvious solution, because then I don't have to think, or engage. But when I lay down, or even close my eyes, I become anxious and my thoughts of what happened accelerate.
I used to be someone who said things like "everything happens for a reason" and "we are not dealt anything in life we can't handle" Those words seem particularly cruel right now.
One thing I'm anxious about is knowing what happened to the man who did this. It has been extremely frustrating not to have had any answers from the Cook Islands police. It makes me doubt myself, that they don't think what happened is worth their time, that worse things happen. I have been told 'it could have been worse' and of course I have thought that myself. Thing is, all that makes me think is that my feelings aren't valid. I certainly know people who have endured much worse, maybe I am making myself a victim, maybe I am stopping myself from moving forward. I don't feel like that is true, but I doubt myself.
I want to escape from my thoughts. I understand why people take drugs or drink, to stop thinking. I've thought lots about getting drunk, I think about it every day, but I do know that won't help. Sleep seems the obvious solution, because then I don't have to think, or engage. But when I lay down, or even close my eyes, I become anxious and my thoughts of what happened accelerate.
I used to be someone who said things like "everything happens for a reason" and "we are not dealt anything in life we can't handle" Those words seem particularly cruel right now.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I guess I've finally figured out why I feel so yuck, so tired, flat, bored and uninspired, and it's really not a huge surprise. It's the food. I has to be the food. That, and the lack of exercise. Leading up to the wedding I was exercising 3-4 times a week and eating a super healthy diet heavy in raw fruits and veges. I was feeling awesome. Since the wedding I've slipped right back into old habits of eating low nutrient processed foods, consuming sugar, drinking coffee and not exercising. That, and I'm on some super strong antibiotics for my pneumonia. I have to give myself a break and realise I haven't been well enough to exercise, but I have missed it, and my mental health has suffered without it.
So, I'm back on the wagon today as I've had enough of feeling this way and want to feel happy again! It's time for detox take two! This morning I had a green smoothy for breakfast with spinach, banana, feijoa, vitamin c powder, barley grass powder and kelp powder. It wasn't delicious, but it wasn't horrible, and I feel good about giving my body some much needed nutrition.
I'm pleased that even though I've been eating poorly for the last month (today's exactly one month since the wedding) I haven't piled on the weight. I can feel I've definitely lost some muscle and I've lost a heap of fitness, but I know I can gain it back and I will.
I'm going to go to Zumba tonight. I love Zumba! It's so uplifting, so fun, so energising, and gives me a workout that I actually enjoy.
So, I'm back on the wagon today as I've had enough of feeling this way and want to feel happy again! It's time for detox take two! This morning I had a green smoothy for breakfast with spinach, banana, feijoa, vitamin c powder, barley grass powder and kelp powder. It wasn't delicious, but it wasn't horrible, and I feel good about giving my body some much needed nutrition.
I'm pleased that even though I've been eating poorly for the last month (today's exactly one month since the wedding) I haven't piled on the weight. I can feel I've definitely lost some muscle and I've lost a heap of fitness, but I know I can gain it back and I will.
I'm going to go to Zumba tonight. I love Zumba! It's so uplifting, so fun, so energising, and gives me a workout that I actually enjoy.
Onwards and upwards, my life is way too blessed not to be enjoying it!
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Post-wedding funk?
I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I've lost my mojo. No, not that kind of mojo, but my enthusiasm for pretty much everything. I just feel so blah, so bored, so boring! I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like going anywhere, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment for no obvious reason and I really don't like it! Maybe it's the post-wedding funk? Maybe it's that I'm still recovering from pneumonia and am tired of feeling so tired? Maybe it's that now that I have time, lots of time, it's too confronting as I can't think of how to spend it?
I got my wedding photos in the post on Thursday, something I have been looking forward to SO much, and I'm actually gutted. I had built up big expectations for the photo's, they were one of my very biggest priorities when it came to the planning and budgeting for my wedding, and they have not met my expectations. I'm disappointed, and I don't know how to deal with it. Part of my disappointment is the way I look in some pics and part of it is not liking the way many of the pictures have been taken/edited. This has lead to me thinking about other things that didn't go quite how I would have liked.
I know I ought not to have this negative perspective. I know I should be grateful for my life. But for whatever reason, right now I just don't feel good. And knowing I shouldn't feel this way just makes me feel worse. K knows I'm not feeing right and he wants to help, but I don't know what to tell him. Right now, I'm just a sad daisy.
I got my wedding photos in the post on Thursday, something I have been looking forward to SO much, and I'm actually gutted. I had built up big expectations for the photo's, they were one of my very biggest priorities when it came to the planning and budgeting for my wedding, and they have not met my expectations. I'm disappointed, and I don't know how to deal with it. Part of my disappointment is the way I look in some pics and part of it is not liking the way many of the pictures have been taken/edited. This has lead to me thinking about other things that didn't go quite how I would have liked.
I know I ought not to have this negative perspective. I know I should be grateful for my life. But for whatever reason, right now I just don't feel good. And knowing I shouldn't feel this way just makes me feel worse. K knows I'm not feeing right and he wants to help, but I don't know what to tell him. Right now, I'm just a sad daisy.
Monday, April 02, 2012
Unless....
I've always loved the story of The Lorax, it's one of Dr Seuss' many masterpieces, so I have waited with much anticipation for the release of the movie. Yesterday I finally got my chance to see it and I was not disappointed. Not often enough does a family movie come along that is truly appropriate for all ages, entertaining for all ages, and carries a message worth sharing. I saw it with my 3, 5 and 10 year olds and husband, and we all thoroughly enjoyed it. Unlike many family movies, this is one that I would happily watch again and again!
"Unless someone like you cares a whole aweful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not" - the Lorax
I love this message so much, and it excites me that people will hear it when they watch this movie. I feel driven to be the change I want to see in the world, and sometimes it feels so overwhelming. But every small seed, small act, small change has the potential for something huge, and I love that. Each of us have the opportunity, and I feel the obligation, to contribute and be part of the solution, no matter what the problem. Whether it's pollution or poverty, I can make a difference, and I have to, because if not me, then who?
Saturday, March 31, 2012
When a bad thing happens
It's been over a month since I last blogged. It's not because nothing has happened, quite the opposite, but every time I have intended to blog, I can't get my brain to narrow it down to one thing, and I give up.
The biggest, bestest, most amazing thing is that I got married on March 10. Our wedding was beautiful, magical and dreamy, simply the best day ever. We married on the lawn at Edgewater Motel, with the backdrop of Orewa Beach, in the presence of 50 of our closest family and friends. The word that comes to mind when I think of that day is blessed. It made me realise more than ever before how incredibly fortunate I am to have the people in my life that I do.
Two days later we left our kids in the capable hands of their Nana and Poppa and flew to Rarotonga for a dream honeymoon. And it was stunning! It was warm, beautiful and peaceful. Our accommodation was out of this world, absolute luxury. K and I have never spent so much time alone together, and we cherished every moment. Our love for each other, our commitment to each other and our kids, and our excitment about our future together became stronger than ever.
We made some amazing memories, and had some photos taken that I will treasure forever.
But, sometimes, bad things happen.
I woke in the early hours of Saturday morning to an intruder in our room with his hands on me. It was a very frightening experience. It still is, for both of us. Thankfully he left as soon as I awoke. And thankfully he was found the following day, he eventually confessed, and he was arrested. He faces serious charges. It helps to know he is in jail because that means others will be safe from him.
Figuring out how to process and deal with this event has been difficult. I have no precedent to draw on. Of course, I've cried, we both have, and we've asked why did this happen? It's been a challenge coming home, because naturally all my friends and family want to know how our honeymoon was? And I have been left not knowing what to say. Before the bad thing happened, it was magic. But, a bad thing happened and not something easily dismissed.
Up until yesterday I thought I couldn't tell anyone, because it would hurt them, and I don't want to hurt people. But a good friend has made me realise that acknowledging what happened is part of my healing. It's too big a secret, too big a burdon to keep.
So, it happened, it was scarey, it was traumatising, and I will carry it with me for life. But, rather than be a victim, I see it as an opportunity for gratitude. I am grateful that he left when I woke up. I am grateful for my husband who is my rock. I am grateful for the 12 and 14 year old boys that suggested to the police that they should talk to a certain man. I am grateful to the policeman who went out of his way to make enquiries, who pushed the suspect so hard that he got a confession from him, for I would not have been able to identify him. I'm grateful for the resort owners who gave us a new room, who were generous and caring and loving towards us. I'm grateful for the four magic days we had in Rarotonga before this happened. I am grateful that it was me that this happened to rather than another woman who may not have had the coping mechanisms I do. I am grateful that because this happened to me, he has been caught, and will be where he can't harm anyone else. I am grateful that it happened somewhere else, so I still feel safe in my own home. I am grateful that I can cry, but then I stop, and go on, and know with certainty that I am, and will be, ok.
The biggest, bestest, most amazing thing is that I got married on March 10. Our wedding was beautiful, magical and dreamy, simply the best day ever. We married on the lawn at Edgewater Motel, with the backdrop of Orewa Beach, in the presence of 50 of our closest family and friends. The word that comes to mind when I think of that day is blessed. It made me realise more than ever before how incredibly fortunate I am to have the people in my life that I do.
Two days later we left our kids in the capable hands of their Nana and Poppa and flew to Rarotonga for a dream honeymoon. And it was stunning! It was warm, beautiful and peaceful. Our accommodation was out of this world, absolute luxury. K and I have never spent so much time alone together, and we cherished every moment. Our love for each other, our commitment to each other and our kids, and our excitment about our future together became stronger than ever.
We made some amazing memories, and had some photos taken that I will treasure forever.
But, sometimes, bad things happen.
I woke in the early hours of Saturday morning to an intruder in our room with his hands on me. It was a very frightening experience. It still is, for both of us. Thankfully he left as soon as I awoke. And thankfully he was found the following day, he eventually confessed, and he was arrested. He faces serious charges. It helps to know he is in jail because that means others will be safe from him.
Figuring out how to process and deal with this event has been difficult. I have no precedent to draw on. Of course, I've cried, we both have, and we've asked why did this happen? It's been a challenge coming home, because naturally all my friends and family want to know how our honeymoon was? And I have been left not knowing what to say. Before the bad thing happened, it was magic. But, a bad thing happened and not something easily dismissed.
Up until yesterday I thought I couldn't tell anyone, because it would hurt them, and I don't want to hurt people. But a good friend has made me realise that acknowledging what happened is part of my healing. It's too big a secret, too big a burdon to keep.
So, it happened, it was scarey, it was traumatising, and I will carry it with me for life. But, rather than be a victim, I see it as an opportunity for gratitude. I am grateful that he left when I woke up. I am grateful for my husband who is my rock. I am grateful for the 12 and 14 year old boys that suggested to the police that they should talk to a certain man. I am grateful to the policeman who went out of his way to make enquiries, who pushed the suspect so hard that he got a confession from him, for I would not have been able to identify him. I'm grateful for the resort owners who gave us a new room, who were generous and caring and loving towards us. I'm grateful for the four magic days we had in Rarotonga before this happened. I am grateful that it was me that this happened to rather than another woman who may not have had the coping mechanisms I do. I am grateful that because this happened to me, he has been caught, and will be where he can't harm anyone else. I am grateful that it happened somewhere else, so I still feel safe in my own home. I am grateful that I can cry, but then I stop, and go on, and know with certainty that I am, and will be, ok.
Monday, February 20, 2012
The reward is worth the risk!
What holds you back from saying how you really feel?
From doing what you really want?
Bucket lists are pretty trendy these days - most people I know seem to have one, in their mind at least. The trick (challenge) seems to be taking that list and turning it into action. The more I travel this physical/mental/emotional journey to health, the more I realise who I am, and what I really want from my life. Some of the things on my list seem so scary that to share them seems too much of a risk, and yet when I think of doing them I feel so moved, so excited, so ME.
One of the things on my list is to sing. I have always had a fairly good singing voice, certainly I can sing confidently at Mainly Music and enjoy a good Sing Star session. But I want more! A couple of birthdays ago my wonderful friend took me to see 'Mama Mia'. It was beyond awesome! And as I sat there all I could think was how awesome their job was, and how I longed to be part of it. Then my horrible toad of an inner voice reminded me, 'you're not good enough, and besides which, you're too fat'. And that's how it has been for me for so long. Now I'm no dreamer, I'm not the next Adele, and in truth that's not what I want to be. But I love to sing, it stirs my soul, and I want to be part of something musical. And I will, because even if I suck, I AM good enough to try, and the reward feels so worth the risk!!
And just for the record, my favourite Mama Mia song?....
Friday, February 17, 2012
The Attitude of Gratitude
What if you woke up tomorrow and the only things you had
were the things you were thankful for today?
Gratitude is so very important! Given that your focus determines your reality, paying attention to what you ALREADY HAVE makes life so much better, and before you know it, so many amazing things start happening in your life it's hard to keep track of them all! I've always been an Oprah Winfrey fan, she's pretty much my only 'role model'. She taught me about gratitude a long time ago, but it's only relatively recently that I have started to really understand.
Today I am grateful for....
- Mr K, my fiance, who loves me without limit, supports me no matter what, and helps me feel the luckiest and happiest I can be
- My best friend of 13 years V, for being the practical/organised one, for helping me with my wedding plans, for organising me a hens night (tomorrow!) and for just being a wonderful friend who has knows pretty much everything there is to know about me
- My in-laws (though technically the ex-in laws) for babysitting later today
- Finding a new makeup artist who is available to do my makeup trial tomorrow
- Living in such an amazing place as New Zealand, not too far from the beautiful ocean
- Having the internet so I can connect
- My raw mentors who have given me the gift of health
- Our three beautiful, amazing children
- Tomato, avocado, red onions and balsamic vinegar because they are just so delicious
Have you thought about what you're grateful for today?
Monday, February 13, 2012
What people ask me...
The most asked question when I tell people I am eating raw is, 'If you don't eat dairy, grains, meat, or processed foods, what DO you eat??' The answer is that right now I eat:
"Where do raw and living foodist get their protein?
The WHO (World Health Organization) says humans need about 5% of their daily calories to come from protein to be healthy. The USDA puts this figure at 6.5%. On average, fruits have about 5% of their calories from protein. Vegetables have from 20-50% of their calories from protein. Sprouted seeds, beans, and grains contain from 10-25% of their calories from protein. So if you are eating any variety of living plant foods, you are getting more than adequate protein.
Numerous scientific studies have shown the daily need for protein to be about 25-35 grams per day. So if you ate 2,000 calories per day, and ate raw plant foods that had an average of 10% of their calories from protein, you would get 200 calories worth of protein, or 50 grams. This is more than adequate to support optimal well-being. Other studies have shown that heat treating a protein (such as with cooking) makes about half of it unusable to the human body. So raw plant food protein is even a better source than cooked plant foods or animal foods.
There is still a huge, foolish, misguided idea that plant protein is not "complete". This is based on studies done on rats in the 1940's. This false conclusion was drawn before we discovered the bodies protein recycling mechanism and its ability to "complete" any amino acid mix from our bodies amino acid pool, no matter what the amino acid composition of a meal consumed. This false idea is still perpetuated by the meat and dairy industries, in an attempt to influence people to continue consuming their truly health destroying products".
I'm no scientist, nor a researcher, so all can base my opinion on is my own personal experience. That experience is, that in the last 4 weeks of eating raw, as described above, I have never felt better in my life. I have lost approx 6kg (probably more, but I don't have scales), I have more energy than I ever have even when I was much slimmer, I spring out of bed in the morning, my mind clarity is amazing, I no longer take anti-depressants, I need less sleep, my appetite is a fraction of what it used to be, and my passion for life is at an all time high.
- a wide variety of raw fruit and vegetables, as much as possible of which is organic, some of which I blend into smoothies and add high nutrient foods like kelp and barley grass
- a small amount (less than 10%) of other foods like soaked or boiled chic peas, wild rice, cooked vegetables like potatoes, organic brown rice wafers, free range eggs
- an even smaller amount of lightly cooked fish (ie once a week at most)
- a multivitamin/mineral supplement daily
"Where do raw and living foodist get their protein?
The WHO (World Health Organization) says humans need about 5% of their daily calories to come from protein to be healthy. The USDA puts this figure at 6.5%. On average, fruits have about 5% of their calories from protein. Vegetables have from 20-50% of their calories from protein. Sprouted seeds, beans, and grains contain from 10-25% of their calories from protein. So if you are eating any variety of living plant foods, you are getting more than adequate protein.
Numerous scientific studies have shown the daily need for protein to be about 25-35 grams per day. So if you ate 2,000 calories per day, and ate raw plant foods that had an average of 10% of their calories from protein, you would get 200 calories worth of protein, or 50 grams. This is more than adequate to support optimal well-being. Other studies have shown that heat treating a protein (such as with cooking) makes about half of it unusable to the human body. So raw plant food protein is even a better source than cooked plant foods or animal foods.
There is still a huge, foolish, misguided idea that plant protein is not "complete". This is based on studies done on rats in the 1940's. This false conclusion was drawn before we discovered the bodies protein recycling mechanism and its ability to "complete" any amino acid mix from our bodies amino acid pool, no matter what the amino acid composition of a meal consumed. This false idea is still perpetuated by the meat and dairy industries, in an attempt to influence people to continue consuming their truly health destroying products".
I'm no scientist, nor a researcher, so all can base my opinion on is my own personal experience. That experience is, that in the last 4 weeks of eating raw, as described above, I have never felt better in my life. I have lost approx 6kg (probably more, but I don't have scales), I have more energy than I ever have even when I was much slimmer, I spring out of bed in the morning, my mind clarity is amazing, I no longer take anti-depressants, I need less sleep, my appetite is a fraction of what it used to be, and my passion for life is at an all time high.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Well what do you know, I'm a dancer!
Ok, I'm not actually a dancer, but what I mean is, I bloomin' well like dancing! Tonight I went to my first Zumba class. Technically it was my second, but the first one was at the gym and that place holds bad memories so it doesn't count. So, Zumba, in case you haven't tried it, is bloody awesome! It was pretty mentally taxing trying to figure out the moves but the 'new' me can handle challenges! I moved my body in ways I've only seen in hip hop videos, and stuff wobbled that I usually try vey hard to prevent from wobbling, but boy was it FUN! I'll be back again for sure, for sure!! My ten year old is going to be VERY pleased, I now think our household could use a WII after all!
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Three-week-aversary!
Today marks three weeks of me feeling more alive than ever before. Three weeks of not putting anything in my mouth that doesn't eactly or very, very closely resemble its original state. When I think about prosessed foods now I feel a bit ill. I've had lots of opportunities to 'treat'myself the way I used to, with high calorie, low nutrition foods, but I haven't done so and don't intend to. I'm feeling so comfortable in my own skin now, and my entire focus has shifted away from my body fat to how much I really do love my life.
Fun n Fitness Cap round two starts today and rather than feeling nervous, anxious and inecure, I feel excited about the opportunities I will have, the challenges I will face, and the people who'll be there to share the next 12 weeks with. Unbelievably I am looking forward to my weigh & measure, because I know it just represents one point in time. It doesn't define me, it's just a snapshot of now, of how far I have come and how much I have achieved.
I used to be someone with very little self belief and full of self criticsm, and I am so much less like that now. Several people who have read my blog have told me it is an inspiration to them, and that's the best feeling in the world. Connecting with others is really important to me, and to think that someone could be motivated and inspired by me makes me feel so proud of myself. And the exciting thing is that having made the changes I have, I know that anyone can do this, because I am no different than them, other than having been given some amazing information about how to best care for my body, and having a few people believe in me so deeply that I challenged my long held beliefs about what I am capable of.
Fun n Fitness Cap round two starts today and rather than feeling nervous, anxious and inecure, I feel excited about the opportunities I will have, the challenges I will face, and the people who'll be there to share the next 12 weeks with. Unbelievably I am looking forward to my weigh & measure, because I know it just represents one point in time. It doesn't define me, it's just a snapshot of now, of how far I have come and how much I have achieved.
I used to be someone with very little self belief and full of self criticsm, and I am so much less like that now. Several people who have read my blog have told me it is an inspiration to them, and that's the best feeling in the world. Connecting with others is really important to me, and to think that someone could be motivated and inspired by me makes me feel so proud of myself. And the exciting thing is that having made the changes I have, I know that anyone can do this, because I am no different than them, other than having been given some amazing information about how to best care for my body, and having a few people believe in me so deeply that I challenged my long held beliefs about what I am capable of.
Friday, February 03, 2012
Tog shopping
Tog shopping - pretty much a fat persons worst type of shopping! In fact, pretty much most women's least favourite shopping trip. Today I went shopping for a bathing suit for our honeymoon in Rarotonga. Last time I shopped for togs was over a year ago, and I was quite happy(ish) with my size 20 tankini top and size XXL board shorts. So today I grabbed a size 16 tankini, thinking a girl's gotta dream, and it was too big!! Seems my tog top size is a 14! I didn't find anything that had a big enough bust in the cheap stores (Shanton & Ezibuy) because seemingly the manufacturers think size 14 women only have b cup breasts? Anyway, the big news is what I did next. I went to a real surf/togs/beachware store, to Northbeach, Albany. You know the type of store, where the staff are all hot 20 year old surf babes, the sort of place I so totally don't belong, the sort of store I would never go in for fear that someone may think, or worse - say, that I can't wear the clothes they sell because I'm too big!
It was awesome! The fabulously wonderful sales assistant who helped me was so friendly, so helpful, and I so didn't feel self concious! She grabbed a few styles for me, and left me to it. The first one I tried on was hillarious, I laughed out loud, big time! Let's just say it made me look like Dolly Parton's long lost sister! But it fit. It was a size 14, and it fit. Me. The next one was gorgeous! It contained my bust, was so comfortable, and suited me really well. I didn't think much about the bottom half of me, being a pear shape means my top half is my best half, but I felt a million bucks in that tankini. I didn't feel embarrassed, or insecure, or unattractive, I felt awesome! It was only when I was leaving, having decided the tog buying would wait until just before the holiday, that I asked the price. $225! No, that's not a typo, $225 for half a bathing suit! It didn't bring me down any though, I walked out of that store grinning like anything, because I can now go into a store, a normal, mainstream store, and I can feel pretty confident that there will be my size!
It was awesome! The fabulously wonderful sales assistant who helped me was so friendly, so helpful, and I so didn't feel self concious! She grabbed a few styles for me, and left me to it. The first one I tried on was hillarious, I laughed out loud, big time! Let's just say it made me look like Dolly Parton's long lost sister! But it fit. It was a size 14, and it fit. Me. The next one was gorgeous! It contained my bust, was so comfortable, and suited me really well. I didn't think much about the bottom half of me, being a pear shape means my top half is my best half, but I felt a million bucks in that tankini. I didn't feel embarrassed, or insecure, or unattractive, I felt awesome! It was only when I was leaving, having decided the tog buying would wait until just before the holiday, that I asked the price. $225! No, that's not a typo, $225 for half a bathing suit! It didn't bring me down any though, I walked out of that store grinning like anything, because I can now go into a store, a normal, mainstream store, and I can feel pretty confident that there will be my size!
Monday, January 30, 2012
What real living feels like
I had to double check, to make sure, and it's true, it HAS only been 2 weeks and 2 days since I started this new lifestyle. It feels so much a part of me now it's like I don't remember my life before. Oh, yes I do. I was about 6kg heavier (probably more but I don't have scales), a dress & bra size bigger (heading towards two sizes), was cranky and moody, had no energy, had a bad back, would crawl out of bed in the morning, took anti-depressants, was addicted to sugar and caffine, and self medicated with food. None of those things apply to me anymore.
I am awaiting some photos I had taken 6 weeks ago and 18 weeks ago so I can SHOW you, and me, how my body has changed, but I know already by my clothing and when I look at myself in the mirror, not to mention anyone who I come across who hasn't seen me in a month or more!
I have so many plans and ideas in my head, and at every turn am faced with a new opportunity or relationship or connection that further supports the way I am living. I feel like I am finally becoming my authentic self, and it feels AMAZING!
I am awaiting some photos I had taken 6 weeks ago and 18 weeks ago so I can SHOW you, and me, how my body has changed, but I know already by my clothing and when I look at myself in the mirror, not to mention anyone who I come across who hasn't seen me in a month or more!
I have so many plans and ideas in my head, and at every turn am faced with a new opportunity or relationship or connection that further supports the way I am living. I feel like I am finally becoming my authentic self, and it feels AMAZING!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Week One - completed
If you had have told me a week ago that in one week I could lose all cravings for everything I have been putting in my mouth for so many years and suddenly crave fresh fruits and vegetables I would have told you you were nuts! It just astounds me. I bought the kids something from the bakery yesterday, a really nice, top quality bakery, and hand on heart I looked all through the cabinet and nothing appealed in the least, nothing. I am not making a huge effort, I just don't want it. It's so crazy, how can it be true? I am probably eating a 10th of what I used to eat in a day, I am exercising more than I ever have, and I'm not hungry!
I have not done any measurements yet, but I weighed myself yesterday and I lost 2.5kg this week!! I don't have scales at home, which is good because I don't want that number to be my focus. I used to obsess over a 'goal weight', what should be my 'goal weight', and then feel so depressed about how big the difference between my current weight and that goal was that it felt impossible. Remember, this is only a week ago that I felt this way. ONE WEEK. Now, I do care that the number is dropping, because losing weight makes me feel good inside and out, but I no longer have any doubt that it will, and a 'goal weight' isn't even on my radar.
Another bonus is that as a result of my changes, Mr K has given up fizzy drink, and that is HUGE. He'd usually drink at least a litre a day of Coke, and truth be told, I had my fair share too. He's finding that hard, in that he still thinks about it and feels like having it, but he's committed to not buying it, and so he can't and won't have it. He's ever so proud of himself, and I of him.
I believe deeply in karma, in the cycle of life, and in the law of attraction. In the last week I have noticed a roadside stall selling organic produce harvested daily about 1km from my house with prices about 1/2 that of non-organic supermarket fruit and vegetables, I have been contacted by an aquaintance who is setting up an organic co-op in my area, and I have been inspired to start an early morning fitness group at my children's school for parents and the wider community for which I already have a PT who is keen to provide her services at a really reasonable price.
Taking control of my health feels so good! I'm no longer a slave to sugar, caffine, additives, preservatives, all manner of chemicals, and I'm also no longer a slave to the supermarket! There's not much there for me now except loo paper and rubbish bags :)
I have not done any measurements yet, but I weighed myself yesterday and I lost 2.5kg this week!! I don't have scales at home, which is good because I don't want that number to be my focus. I used to obsess over a 'goal weight', what should be my 'goal weight', and then feel so depressed about how big the difference between my current weight and that goal was that it felt impossible. Remember, this is only a week ago that I felt this way. ONE WEEK. Now, I do care that the number is dropping, because losing weight makes me feel good inside and out, but I no longer have any doubt that it will, and a 'goal weight' isn't even on my radar.
Another bonus is that as a result of my changes, Mr K has given up fizzy drink, and that is HUGE. He'd usually drink at least a litre a day of Coke, and truth be told, I had my fair share too. He's finding that hard, in that he still thinks about it and feels like having it, but he's committed to not buying it, and so he can't and won't have it. He's ever so proud of himself, and I of him.
I believe deeply in karma, in the cycle of life, and in the law of attraction. In the last week I have noticed a roadside stall selling organic produce harvested daily about 1km from my house with prices about 1/2 that of non-organic supermarket fruit and vegetables, I have been contacted by an aquaintance who is setting up an organic co-op in my area, and I have been inspired to start an early morning fitness group at my children's school for parents and the wider community for which I already have a PT who is keen to provide her services at a really reasonable price.
Taking control of my health feels so good! I'm no longer a slave to sugar, caffine, additives, preservatives, all manner of chemicals, and I'm also no longer a slave to the supermarket! There's not much there for me now except loo paper and rubbish bags :)
Friday, January 20, 2012
an early morning epiphany
I just went for an awesome hilly 6km walk/jog (55 mins) and came from with a really strong urge to write a message to Laurinda, the leader of my Fun n Fitness Group. After writing it I started crying, and upon re-reading it I realise the hugeness of what has happened. This is what I wrote:
Good morning Laurinda
I want to say thanks for your cheerleading at Tuesday's fitness session. I might not respond, (I might not be ABLE to), but I hear you every time you encourage me and I need you to know it makes a HUGE difference to me. Previously when you or anyone told me I was doing well, in pretty much any given circumstance, I would immediately negate it either in my head or to them, as I was so entrenched in my negative self beliefs. All my adult life I have not been able to accept praise, because as a child I was not praised. I didn't have an abusive childhood at all, but praise just wasn't something I received. It is only really in the last few weeks that I have begun to open myself up to praise and accept that when people say something nice they are telling the truth. So, please do keep cheering me on, I need it.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Sara xx
This is SO big for me, and SO exciting. It's ironic that something I so craved was something I just WOULDN'T accept - praise. Eight years ago I did a team building weekend through Playcentre and there was one exercise we did that destroyed me, it ruined the weekend for me. There were about 15 of us, all women, all mums, no-one I knew very well but all fabulous women who were leaders within Playcentre. The activity required us to sit in a large circle and a chair was placed in the middle. One by one we were to sit in that chair while each person in the circle said something positive about the person in the middle, some praise. I thought I was going to throw up. The idea of sitting in the middle of a group and them being required to say something good about me was horrific. Why? Because they wouldn't be able to think of anything, and so would either have to make something up or just not say something, leaving me humiliated. As my turn approached I became more and more anxious, I felt nauseous, I was fighting back the tears, and desperately thinking of any way I could get out of this situation. All I wanted was to get the hell out of there. When my turn came I stood up, walked over to the seat, sat down and (I remember this clear as day) said "you can say what you like, I'm not listening".
And that is how it has been for me, I have done some really cool things in my life and done them well, but still the overwhelming voice in my head has insisted that if only people knew me properly they'd think differently, and that I do not DESERVE praise.
Turns out, I DO! I'm actually a really fantastic person, I enhance a lot of people's lives through my actions and my relationships, and when it comes down to it I'm bloody proud of who I am. This is a very new feeling for me, and it is so freeing. I don't have to be perfect to deserve praise, I already am perfect, in all my imperfections.
Good morning Laurinda
I want to say thanks for your cheerleading at Tuesday's fitness session. I might not respond, (I might not be ABLE to), but I hear you every time you encourage me and I need you to know it makes a HUGE difference to me. Previously when you or anyone told me I was doing well, in pretty much any given circumstance, I would immediately negate it either in my head or to them, as I was so entrenched in my negative self beliefs. All my adult life I have not been able to accept praise, because as a child I was not praised. I didn't have an abusive childhood at all, but praise just wasn't something I received. It is only really in the last few weeks that I have begun to open myself up to praise and accept that when people say something nice they are telling the truth. So, please do keep cheering me on, I need it.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Sara xx
This is SO big for me, and SO exciting. It's ironic that something I so craved was something I just WOULDN'T accept - praise. Eight years ago I did a team building weekend through Playcentre and there was one exercise we did that destroyed me, it ruined the weekend for me. There were about 15 of us, all women, all mums, no-one I knew very well but all fabulous women who were leaders within Playcentre. The activity required us to sit in a large circle and a chair was placed in the middle. One by one we were to sit in that chair while each person in the circle said something positive about the person in the middle, some praise. I thought I was going to throw up. The idea of sitting in the middle of a group and them being required to say something good about me was horrific. Why? Because they wouldn't be able to think of anything, and so would either have to make something up or just not say something, leaving me humiliated. As my turn approached I became more and more anxious, I felt nauseous, I was fighting back the tears, and desperately thinking of any way I could get out of this situation. All I wanted was to get the hell out of there. When my turn came I stood up, walked over to the seat, sat down and (I remember this clear as day) said "you can say what you like, I'm not listening".
And that is how it has been for me, I have done some really cool things in my life and done them well, but still the overwhelming voice in my head has insisted that if only people knew me properly they'd think differently, and that I do not DESERVE praise.
Turns out, I DO! I'm actually a really fantastic person, I enhance a lot of people's lives through my actions and my relationships, and when it comes down to it I'm bloody proud of who I am. This is a very new feeling for me, and it is so freeing. I don't have to be perfect to deserve praise, I already am perfect, in all my imperfections.
I am perfectly imperfect!!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Grumpy Mummy
I was told to expect mood swings, and today (day 5) they caught up with me. I just feel grumpy and irritable and want to be left alone, but I have three kids who want attention and meals and activities. I snapped at them today lots of times, and I feel bad about that. Thankfully children are very forgiving and tomorrow I'll make an effort to keep my cool. AND tomorrow I go to try my wedding dress on!! I have had a few dramas with the bridal store which I won't go into now, but I am very excited to try on my dress. I had it made one size smaller than my measurements last October and I know I've dropped a size since then so it should fit me. My mum and best friend/bridesmaid are coming with me too - yay!! I won't post a pic of course but it is so beautiful and I hope I feel beautiful in it.
My eating went well today, still sticking to my green smoothies plus whatever fruits and veges I feel like, which today was celery, tomatoes, plums (from our backyard) and watermellon, and now that I think about it that's about it! My appetite has deminished significantly which is fantastic, and I am so surprised not to be craving sugar as it was such a big part of my diet. I guess the plums and watermellon contain sugar so I have been getting my fix, just in a much healthier way than my usual sugary coffees and chocolate feasts. I'm trying not to analyse my food too much because I don't want to sabotage myself with self doubt, but I am not sure if I am getting enough of all I need nutritionally. I feel good, perhaps that should be my guide?
My eating went well today, still sticking to my green smoothies plus whatever fruits and veges I feel like, which today was celery, tomatoes, plums (from our backyard) and watermellon, and now that I think about it that's about it! My appetite has deminished significantly which is fantastic, and I am so surprised not to be craving sugar as it was such a big part of my diet. I guess the plums and watermellon contain sugar so I have been getting my fix, just in a much healthier way than my usual sugary coffees and chocolate feasts. I'm trying not to analyse my food too much because I don't want to sabotage myself with self doubt, but I am not sure if I am getting enough of all I need nutritionally. I feel good, perhaps that should be my guide?
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Food that goes crunch!
Today I did something I haven't done in a few days, I ate solid food! It started when I dropped Miss J at preschool and stayed for morning tea time. The crackers were easy to resist, the cheese was a challenge (I'm really craving cheese), but I decided watermellon was a-ok and so I had a couple of yummy pieces. My fast 'broken' I decided that three days of liquid greens only was enough and I would have a salad for lunch. It was so YUM! Mountains of alfalfa, 1/2 an avocado, carrot, cucumber, 1/2 a boiled egg and a tiny drizzle of balsamic vinegar (which I now know is a detox no-no as the grapes from which it is made are a very heavily sprayed crop). The egg was probably a bit naughty too, but as far as food treats go it's a much better choice than some of my past indulgences.
I decided such an important meal deserved to be savoured, so I set myself up on the deck with my brand new Bride & Groom mag and took some time for me!
I also had my first group training session of the year with Laurinda. I gave it my all for 30 intense minutes of skipping, push-ups, burpees, step-ups and squats which didn't leave me much left for the mercifully brief abdominal exercises, and after another 5 mins of stretching my 45 mins was up! I can honestly say that as much as it exhausted me at the time, it felt really good to be pushing myself, and I loved being back with our awesome training group!
Emotionally I'm feeling good, I'm enjoying the positive feedback and support that my friends are offering me, and I feel proud of myself. I have my moments for sure, but overall I feel happy. Yesterday I was complimented by my friend's ten year old son who told me he was really shocked at how good I was looking, which was lovely. Not having scales I don't monitor my weight very closely, but I can tell by my clothing that I'm losing weight and I plan for that trend to continue!!
I decided such an important meal deserved to be savoured, so I set myself up on the deck with my brand new Bride & Groom mag and took some time for me!
I also had my first group training session of the year with Laurinda. I gave it my all for 30 intense minutes of skipping, push-ups, burpees, step-ups and squats which didn't leave me much left for the mercifully brief abdominal exercises, and after another 5 mins of stretching my 45 mins was up! I can honestly say that as much as it exhausted me at the time, it felt really good to be pushing myself, and I loved being back with our awesome training group!
Emotionally I'm feeling good, I'm enjoying the positive feedback and support that my friends are offering me, and I feel proud of myself. I have my moments for sure, but overall I feel happy. Yesterday I was complimented by my friend's ten year old son who told me he was really shocked at how good I was looking, which was lovely. Not having scales I don't monitor my weight very closely, but I can tell by my clothing that I'm losing weight and I plan for that trend to continue!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Day 3 almost done
I woke up this morning feeling really good. My head felt clear, my limbs felt lighter, and my spirits were high. I went for a half hour fast walk, down the road to check out an organic vege stall, and arrived home quite out of breath. My morning smoothie was spinach, parsley, kelp powder, banana and water, and went down easily.
As the day has progressed I have become increasingly more tired and hungry. My mentors tell me it's not 'real' hunger as my smoothies are giving my body the nutrients I need, not to mention the energy stores I have in the form of fat, but it sure feels real!! I have a gnawing, churning feeling in my tummy, I feel mildly nauseous, and I reeeeeaaaaly want to eat something!
Watching the kids eat is a challenge, especially the smell of their pizza dinner. It's not really pizza I'm craving though, I'd be thrilled to tuck in to a massive salad, and lashings of balsamic dressing.
Emotionally I'm feeling pretty flat right now, something I was told to expect. I think I'll go ahead and eat tomorrow, I'll see how I feel in the morning.
As the day has progressed I have become increasingly more tired and hungry. My mentors tell me it's not 'real' hunger as my smoothies are giving my body the nutrients I need, not to mention the energy stores I have in the form of fat, but it sure feels real!! I have a gnawing, churning feeling in my tummy, I feel mildly nauseous, and I reeeeeaaaaly want to eat something!
Watching the kids eat is a challenge, especially the smell of their pizza dinner. It's not really pizza I'm craving though, I'd be thrilled to tuck in to a massive salad, and lashings of balsamic dressing.
Emotionally I'm feeling pretty flat right now, something I was told to expect. I think I'll go ahead and eat tomorrow, I'll see how I feel in the morning.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Gotta go GREENER!
I had a chat to my mentors last night and it turns out yesterday I had too much fruit in my smoothies - I guess that accounts for how yummy they were! So today my smoothie was silverbeet, mesclun, kelp powder and a banana. It smelt like freshly cut grass, and tasted about the same, but it wasn't actually bad. I want the results, so I have to trust the process, and my spirits are still sky high!
I'm surprised at how alert I feel, considering I have for so long relied on coffee (& sugar) throughout the day. I'm drinking hot water & lemon instead and it's suiting me fine. It just goes to show how much the challenge is really a psychological one!
I'm surprised at how alert I feel, considering I have for so long relied on coffee (& sugar) throughout the day. I'm drinking hot water & lemon instead and it's suiting me fine. It just goes to show how much the challenge is really a psychological one!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I'm alive, alert, awake... ENTHUSIASTIC!
What a great way to start the day - a 40 min stair-filled bush walk with a group of enthusiastic, supportive, inspirational women!! I'm not gonna lie, it was tough going, and the urge to vomit was intense, but I made it out the other side and feel so good about myself as a result.
Today is DAY ONE of my juice fast detox, so upon arriving home I made myself my first ever Green Smoothie. Actually, that's not true, I made a practice one last week, and I'm sure the chickens enjoyed it very much because it was revolting!! My mistake was too much sour green stuff and not enough fruit to mask it. This morning, however, was a different story, so much so that even Mr K (my fiance), Master R (10) and Miss J (3) all enjoyed some. Master T (5) wouldn't touch it, which is no surprise as he's a super picky eater. Master R even said he'd be happy to drink these smoothies for breakfast and an after school snack, which is great because that's my intention. Master T's going to take some serious work to get him on board, but that's a challenge for later.
The blueberry seeds made the texture a bit gritty but not unpleasant, and the flavour was really quite yummy! It satisfied me well, in fact I only drank 2/3 of it at the time (about 9.15) and then the rest about an hour later. It's now 11.30 and I feel a bit hungry. If I wasn't sticking to juice only I'd have a piece of fruit, but instead I'm going to have a big glass of water with lemon and give myself another half hour or so before I make smoothie #2. I'm not entirely sure how many/often I should be having my smoothies, so I'm going to do my best to let hunger be my guide.
I've gotta say, I feel really pleased with myself just about now!
Today is DAY ONE of my juice fast detox, so upon arriving home I made myself my first ever Green Smoothie. Actually, that's not true, I made a practice one last week, and I'm sure the chickens enjoyed it very much because it was revolting!! My mistake was too much sour green stuff and not enough fruit to mask it. This morning, however, was a different story, so much so that even Mr K (my fiance), Master R (10) and Miss J (3) all enjoyed some. Master T (5) wouldn't touch it, which is no surprise as he's a super picky eater. Master R even said he'd be happy to drink these smoothies for breakfast and an after school snack, which is great because that's my intention. Master T's going to take some serious work to get him on board, but that's a challenge for later.
So, just what went in to my smoothie this morning you may ask?
1 punnet of blueberries, 1 pear, 1 banana, 1/2 a bunch of silverbeet,
1 tsp Kelp Powder, & 1 cup water
Blended all together in my fabulous new (Trade Me) blender:
And the final result:
(no, I didn't eat the flowers too, I just like things to look pretty)
The blueberry seeds made the texture a bit gritty but not unpleasant, and the flavour was really quite yummy! It satisfied me well, in fact I only drank 2/3 of it at the time (about 9.15) and then the rest about an hour later. It's now 11.30 and I feel a bit hungry. If I wasn't sticking to juice only I'd have a piece of fruit, but instead I'm going to have a big glass of water with lemon and give myself another half hour or so before I make smoothie #2. I'm not entirely sure how many/often I should be having my smoothies, so I'm going to do my best to let hunger be my guide.
I've gotta say, I feel really pleased with myself just about now!
Friday, January 13, 2012
"And now," cried Max, "let the wild rumpus start!"
After putting it off for weeks, months, waiting for the time to be right, I'm starting tomorrow. The time is not right, because the time is never right. Because I will ALWAYS find a reason to put it off, no matter what "it" is. So, tomorrow IS the day.
I (indirectly) got some very simple advice today, stupidly simple, and simply true. Nike said 'Just Do It' and they're right. JUST START. So I will. I'm probably not well enough prepared but that's no longer a good enoughreason excuse.
I (indirectly) got some very simple advice today, stupidly simple, and simply true. Nike said 'Just Do It' and they're right. JUST START. So I will. I'm probably not well enough prepared but that's no longer a good enough
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