When it finally came time for Dorothy to go home she found that the ability to do so had been with her the whole time, the power was with her. Long before Oprah, there was the ah-ha moment, and like Dorothy, I have just had one.
I just reminded myself of something, and I did it by re-reading my blog. In January I started a new chapter of my lifes journey. I detoxed and started eating only real food, I was exercising most days, and I felt so good. I had forgotten. In the 7 weeks since returning from our honeymoon I have slipped down a deep dark hole and become so disconnected from me. I have felt hopeless, sad, irritated, tired... the list goes on. What happened in Rarotonga was the catalyst, the trigger, but not the entire reason. I've been depressed before, in fact that's half the problem. I tell myself I 'should know better'. But, that's the thing with depression, the gap between what I know and how I feel.
I had a great chat to someone I barely know tonight. We talked about depression and diet and detoxing and eating real food. I gave her some advice, and in doing so, I gave myself some advice. My advice to me is to do what has worked before. I am now in pre-detox mode and soon, maybe starting on May 17, I will do a full detox and heal my body and mind and heart through nutrition, with side servings of exercise and therapy. Because it all starts and ends with me, it always has.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
the mess in my head
The mess in my head only seems to grow. Every once and a while I feel as though maybe the cloud is lifting, that I'm starting to feel a bit happy, that the worst is behind me. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel hopeless, worthless, useless and worse. Days when I feel so trapped by my life, my not even nearly bad life that I should be ever so grateful for. Days when I wonder just what it is that others see in me and feeling like their confidence in me is a burden rather than a blessing. Days when I think that if everyone just stopped needing me and engaging with me and liking me that it'd be much easier. Is this self pity? I sure know I haven't the 'right' to feel bad or sad, I have every reason to feel blessed and happy, but I don't. I should, and I don't, I'm clear about that.
My new job is not helping my confidence. It has been three weeks since I started. I doubt myself consistently and relentlessly and it's all I can do not to just pack up my stuff and leave. My boss is very nice, very supportive, and very busy. I'm just not convinced I'll ever be any good at this job. I have made a couple of small sales, but not because of anything I've done. I've made a lot of phone calls, had a lot of no's and maybe's and as much as everyone keeps drumming into me that I can't take it personally, I do. It's not that I feel I'm being rejected. It's that I don't feel I'm doing the job well enough. I don't feel confident in my ability to sell. I'm supposed to turn no's into maybe's and maybe's into yes'. That's what I'm being paid for. I feel like I'm going to let my boss down. I know it's not a job I'd like to do long term, not based on how it has been so far, but I also know I'm lucky to be given the opportunity with no experience, and it's not like I have other options...
My ten year old son sits next to me as I write this and asks if I like my new job. I said, not really, I'm not sure I'm any good at it. He said, have you heard anyone say that? I said no, but I have to sell ads and I haven't sold many so I don't think I'm any good. If they say no Mum, he said, it's not because of you. Don't take it personally. You're a wise kid, I told him. It's because I don't want you to feel bad Mum. I want you to feel happy. I guess he can see the tears streaming down my face. He doesn't question me about it, but he notices.
I tuck him into bed and he asks, have you had a good day Mum? It's been ok, I'm just tired, I say. Why are you tired Mum? Because it's been a long day, I say. I don't want him to have a sad Mum. He deserves a happy Mum; all my kids do, and my husband a happy wife.
I wish I was.
My new job is not helping my confidence. It has been three weeks since I started. I doubt myself consistently and relentlessly and it's all I can do not to just pack up my stuff and leave. My boss is very nice, very supportive, and very busy. I'm just not convinced I'll ever be any good at this job. I have made a couple of small sales, but not because of anything I've done. I've made a lot of phone calls, had a lot of no's and maybe's and as much as everyone keeps drumming into me that I can't take it personally, I do. It's not that I feel I'm being rejected. It's that I don't feel I'm doing the job well enough. I don't feel confident in my ability to sell. I'm supposed to turn no's into maybe's and maybe's into yes'. That's what I'm being paid for. I feel like I'm going to let my boss down. I know it's not a job I'd like to do long term, not based on how it has been so far, but I also know I'm lucky to be given the opportunity with no experience, and it's not like I have other options...
My ten year old son sits next to me as I write this and asks if I like my new job. I said, not really, I'm not sure I'm any good at it. He said, have you heard anyone say that? I said no, but I have to sell ads and I haven't sold many so I don't think I'm any good. If they say no Mum, he said, it's not because of you. Don't take it personally. You're a wise kid, I told him. It's because I don't want you to feel bad Mum. I want you to feel happy. I guess he can see the tears streaming down my face. He doesn't question me about it, but he notices.
I tuck him into bed and he asks, have you had a good day Mum? It's been ok, I'm just tired, I say. Why are you tired Mum? Because it's been a long day, I say. I don't want him to have a sad Mum. He deserves a happy Mum; all my kids do, and my husband a happy wife.
I wish I was.
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